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1 




•SCHOOL 




"Richard 
iFfier/d^n. 



<HM.C*Jdwe/l Co. 
New York-"" 'Boston, 




Copyright, 1900 
By H. M. Caldwell Co. 



Preface 

Sheridan's Life. Richard Brinsley 
Sheridan was the grandson of Swift's friend, 
the witty Dr. Thomas Sheridan, and son 
of Thomas Sheridan, the actor, who wrote 
Swift's life. His mother, Frances Sheridan, 
wrote clever plays, and a successful novel, 
" The History of Miss Sidney Biddulph." 
Born in Dublin, on the 30th of October, 
1751, Sheridan was sent to Harrow, where 
he was a favourite with boys and masters, 
though he was far from industrious. At 
eighteen he returned to his father, and in 
company with a friend, Halked, translated 
Aristsenetus, and wrote a farce in the form 
of a rehearsal. In 1770 the family moved 
to Bath, where Sheridan soon fell in love 
with Eliza Ann Linley, daughter of a 
popular singer. The lady's voice and 
beauty caused him to have many rivals; 



-JH The School for Scandal 

but in 1772 they eloped, and were secretly 
married near Calais. This action involved 
the youthful husband in duels and other 
troubles, but in 1773 Miss Linley's father 
withdrew his opposition, and the couple 
were publicly married. It is not known 
that they had any means, except £3,000 
left to Miss Linley by an elderly lover, and 
Sheridan would not allow his wife to earn 
money by singing; but in a few months 
they took a house in Orchard Street, Port- 
man Square, and managed to receive com- 
pany freely. 

In January, 1775, at the age of twenty- 
three, Sheridan produced, at Covent Garden, 
his first comedy, The Rivals, which met 
with complete success, though on the first 
night failure seemed probable. Later in 
the year Sheridan brought out a farce, 
St. Patrick's Day, and a comic opera, The 
Duenna, which was acted seventy-five nights 
during the season. Garrick took great 
interest in the young dramatist's brilliant 
success, and, on his retirement in 1776, 



Preface Hr 

Sheridan and his friend bought Garrick's 
share in Drury Lane Theatre. The new 
manager disappointed expectations by pro- 
ducing nothing fresh except A Trip to 
Scarborough (February, 1777), and that only 
an adaptation of Vanbrugh's The Relapse ; 
but the delay was made up for in May, 
when The School for Scandal was first acted. 
Next year Sheridan and others bought the 
remaining half of the share in Drury Lane, 
and 1779 saw the production of what was 
practically Sheridan's last play, The Critic ; 
or, A Tragedy Rehearsal, though he after- 
wards brought out Pizarro, a translation or 
adaptation from Kotzebue. In 1780 he 
was elected Member of Parliament for 
Stafford, and at the age of twenty-nine 
began a new and brilliant career as states- 
man and orator. The impeachment of 
Warren Hastings gave him his greatest 
opportunity, when he delivered his famous 
speeches respecting Hastings's conduct to- 
wards the princesses of Oude ; but before 
long financial and other troubles began to 
3 



#? The School for Scandal 

weigh heavily upon him, and, unfortunately, 
he fell under the influence of the Prince 
of Wales (afterwards George IV.), whose 
cause he championed in the House and 
elsewhere. In 1809 Drury Lane Theatre, 
then recently rebuilt, was burned down, 
and when Sheridan lost his seat in Parlia- 
ment, he must have felt that he had nothing 
to hope for. He was no longer exempt 
even from arrest for debt, and, with the 
exception of three or four faithful friends, 
none seemed to care what became of the 
once brilliant writer and speaker. When 
the end came (July 7, 1816), Sheridan was 
hard pressed by creditors, though his debts 
appear not to have exceeded £4,000, and 
the Regent and others sent money at the 
last moment, on hearing of his position. 
A few days later his body was buried in 
Westminster Abbey, in the presence of 
princes and noblemen. 

History of the Play. The School for 
Scandal was produced at Drury Lane 
4 



Preface 



K.LL 



Theatre on the 8th of May, 1777. On the 
night before its first appearance, Sheridan 
was told that the necessary license had 
been refused, on the ground that Moses, 
the Jew, was believed to be a satire on 
Hopkins, Wilkes's opponent in the contest 
for the office of City Chamberlain. Sheri- 
dan, however, got over the difficulty after 
an interview with Lord Hertford, the Lord 
Chamberlain. There is a well-known story 
of the author's procrastination. The actors 
were kept waiting to the last for the final 
scenes; and on the concluding leaf Sheri- 
dan wrote, " Finished at last, thank God!" 
to which the prompter, Hawkins, added, 
"Amen!" It may be that Sheridan was 
revising the closing scenes up to the last; 
but, as has been pointed out, they must 
have been written before then, for the play 
had been submitted for license, and had 
been read by Garrick. We know, too, that 
the piece was far from being a work pro- 
duced in a moment of inspiration. The 
brilliance and neatness of the workmanship 

5 



#4 The School for Scandal 

point to painful care, and Moore published 
voluminous extracts from Sheridan's papers, 
which prove that the scenes were often 
rewritten more than once, and that the 
play in the form in which we have it was 
the result of many experiments. In fact, 
Sheridan had in his mind two distinct 
plots : one, the School for Scandal proper, 
called The Slanderers in one draft ; the 
other, the story of the old man and his 
young wife, and the two brothers, first 
called Plausible and Pliant. In an early 
sketch Sir Peter appears as Solomon Teazle, 
a retired tradesman. At some point in his 
labours, it occurred to Sheridan to weld 
together the two plots, a feat which he 
accomplished with such skill that the spec- 
tator is never struck by the undoubted fact 
that the scandal scenes have very little 
connection with the rest of the play, and 
hardly help on the action at all. 

The School for Scandal was at once a 
brilliant success. It ran for twenty nights, 
until the end of the season, and was acted 
6 



Preface Hr 

sixty-five times in the following season. 
Afterwards, for some years, it was acted 
regularly three nights a week, and " damped 
the new pieces ; " and it has retained its 
popularity for over a century. The author 
was greatly helped by the original actors. 
Horace Walpole and Charles Lamb both 
speak in the highest terms of the whole 
cast. " Amid the mortifying circumstances 
attendant upon growing old," said Lamb, 
" it was something to have seen The School 
for Scandal in its glory." Sheridan never 
published an authorised edition of the play, 
and when pressed to revise it for the press, 
said that he had been nineteen years en- 
deavouring to satisfy himself with the style 
of the piece, and had not succeeded. The 
School for Scandal was printed at Dublin 
from a copy which Sheridan sent to his 
sister for disposal to her own advantage to 
the manager of the Dublin Theatre ; but 
the early editions contain many variations. 
The most important of modern editions is 
" Sheridan's Comedies " (that is, The Rivals 
7 



-JH The School for Scandal 

and The School for Scandal), edited by Mr. 
Brander Matthews in 1885. Mr. Fraser 
Rae, in his recent " Life of Sheridan," has 
announced the existence in manuscript of 
two acts of the play, with corrections by 
Sheridan, presumably with a view to pub- 
lication. 

Sheridan's Position in the History 
of the Drama. Sheridan's comedies are 
more akin to the works of the so-called 
Restoration dramatists than to those of his 
immediate predecessors. The revolt against 
the immorality of the stage at the end of 
the seventeenth century had paved the way 
for the comedy of sentiment introduced by 
Steele and Cibber ; but after half a century 
the public had wearied of sentiment, though 
Sheridan himself introduced a specimen of 
it in the parts of Faulkland and Julia in 
The Rivals. On the other hand, Farquhar 
and Vanbrugh and Congreve were too 
coarse for the public taste, and were toler- 
ated only in emasculated versions by 
8 



Preface ## 

Garrick, Sheridan himself, and others. 
Cumberland, Murphy, and the Colmans 
were, with the exception of Goldsmith, 
Sheridan's chief rivals in comedy, and 
Foote and Garrick in farce. It was Sheri- 
dan's glory to write comedy as witty as 
Congreve's, but wholly free from the taint 
of immorality. 

Unfortunately, though over a century has 
passed since the production of The School 
for Scandal, no play has been written in 
the meantime which can in any way rival 
it in brilliance. 

Sheridan's Indebtedness to his Pred- 
ecessors. The writer of a contemporary 
satire, The Critick Anticipated, makes Young 
Psalter, or Sheridan, attribute the popu- 
larity of the School for Scandal and the 
Duenna to the fact that " there 's contained 
in those two pieces the plot, wit, incidents, 
language, and humour of all the plays, 
operas, farces, and pantomimes that ever 
were known in the English language — ay, 
9 



•SH The School for Scandal 

or in the Latin language either — as the 
Eunuch of Terence can testify. Mercy on 
me ! what a laborious task it is to compile 
good plays and farces ! " From then until 
now, writers have been busy in discovering 
plagiarisms in Sheridan's works, especially 
in The School for Scandal. One biographer 
said that this play was in reality written 
by a young lady, who had sent it to Sheri- 
dan, as manager of the theatre, and had 
shortly afterwards died of decline ; but, 
unfortunately for the young lady's claims, 
the manuscripts of the play, in various 
stages of incompleteness, are, as we have 
seen, in existence. Others have contented 
themselves with pointing to the resem- 
blances between Sheridan's characters and 
those of earlier writers. Joseph and Charles 
Surface have been compared with Tom 
Jones and Blifil, and a parallel for the 
incident of the screen has been discovered, 
absurdly enough, in the fall of the rug in 
Molly Seagrim's room. Joseph Surface 
was a hypocrite, as were Blifil and Moliere's 
10 



Preface H£ 

Tartuffe, and the Malvil of Murphy's Know 
Your Own Mind, to whom Hazlitt alludes ; 
but there the resemblance ceases. Drama- 
tists or novelists must necessarily deal with 
general types of character, but they can 
depict the infinite variations which are 
found in real life. If this is done, there 
is no plagiarism. It is the same with inci- 
dents. 

Prototypes for the scandal-mongering 
may be found in Moliere's Misanthrope, in 
Congreve's Double Dealer, and in Steele's 
Funeral; and Sir Oliver's return and visit 
to Charles Surface may be compared with 
a scene in Mrs. Frances Sheridan's novel, 
" Miss Sidney Biddulph," or, indeed, with 
scenes in not a few other novels or plays. 
But it is not plagiarism to make use of 
conceptions which have occurred to others, 
so long as the setting is new, and the char- 
acter or incident is improved. If Sheridan 
— like Shakespeare, though to a much less 
degree — made use of the work of others 
as a foundation, the " splendid and more 
n 



-SH The School for Scandal 

valuable setting," as Hazlitt says, "was 
Sheridan's ; " he gave interest, life, and 
action, or, in other words, its dramatic 
being, to the cruder ideas which he found 
ready to his hand. 



12 



The School for Scandal 



DRAMATIS PERSONS 

AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT DRURY LANE 
THEATRE IN 1777 

Sir Peter Teazle . . . Mr. King. 

Sir Oliver Surface . . Mr. Yates. 

Sir Harry Bumper . . Mr. Gawdry. 

Sir Benjamin Backbite . Mr. Dodd. 

Joseph Surface . . . Mr. Palmer. 

Charles Surface . . . Mr. Smith. 

Careless ...... Mr. Farren. 

Snake Mr. Packer. 

Crdbtree Mr. Parsons. 

Rowley . . . . - . . Mr. Aickin. 

Moses ....... Mr. Baddeley. 

Trip Mr. Lamash. 

Lady Teazle .... Mrs. Abington. 

Lady Sneerwell . . .' Miss Sherry. 

Mrs. Candour . . . . Miss Pope. 

Maria Miss P. Hopkins. 

Gentlemen, Maid, and Servants. 

Scene : London. 
14 



A Portrait 

ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE, WITH THE 
COMEDY OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCAN- 
DAL. 

BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ. 

Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's 

school, 
Who rail by precept, and detract by 

rule, 
Lives there no character, so tried, so 

known, 
So decked with grace, and so unlike 

your own, 
That even you assist her fame to raise, 
Approve by envy, and by silence praise ! 
Attend ! — a model shall attract your 

view — 
Daughters of calumny, I summon you ! 






The School for Scandal 



You shall decide if this a portrait 

prove, 
Or fond creation of the Muse and 

Love. 10 

Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and 

sage, 
Ye matron censors of this childish age, 
Whose peering eye and wrinkled front 

declare 
A fixed antipathy to young and fair ; 
By cunning, cautious; or by nature, 

cold, 
In maiden madness, virulently bold ! — 
Attend, ye skilled to coin the precious 

tale, 
Creating proof, where innuendos fail ! 
Whose practised memories, cruelly 

exact, 
Omit no circumstance, except the 

fact ! — 20 

Attend, all ye who boast, — or old or 

young, — 

16 



A Portrait £# 

The living libel of a slanderous tongue ! 
So shall my theme as far contrasted 

be, 
As saints by fiends, or hymns by cal- 
umny. 
Come, gentle Amoret (for ? neath that 

name 
In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's 

fame) ; 
Come — for but thee who seeks the 

Muse ? and while 
Celestial blushes check thy conscious 

smile, 
With timid grace, and hesitating eye, 
The perfect model, which I boast, 

supply : — 30 

Vain Muse ! couldst thou the humblest 

sketch create 
Of her, or slightest charm couldst 

imitate — 
Could thy blest strain in kindred 

colours trace 

17 



#1 The School for Scandal 

The faintest wonder of her form and 

face — 
Poets would study the immortal line, 
And Reynolds own his art subdued by 

thine ; 
That art, which well might added lustre 

give 
To Nature's best, and Heaven's superla- 
tive: 
On Granby's cheek might bid new 

glories rise, 
Or point a purer beam from Devon's 

eyes ! 40 

Hard is the task to shape that beauty's 

praise, 
Whose judgment scorns the homage 

flattery pays ! 
But praising Amoret we cannot err, 
No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters 

her! 
Yet she by Fate's perverseness — she 

alone 

18 



A Portraits 

Would doubt our truth, nor deem such 
praise her own. 

Adorning fashion, unadorned by dress, 

Simple from taste, and not from care- 
lessness ; 

Discreet in gesture, in deportment 
mild, 

Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly 
wild : 50 

No state has Amoret ; no studied mien ; 

She frowns no goddess, and she moves 
no queen. 

The softer charm that in her manner 
lies 

Is framed to captivate, yet not sur- 
prise ; 

It justly suits the expression of her 
face, — 

? Tis less than dignity, and more than 
grace ! 

On her pure cheek the native hue is 
such, 

19 



«£H The School for £,*an/> f ,i 

That, formed by Heaven to be admired 

so much, 
The hand divine, with a less partial care, 
Might well have fixed a fainter crim- 
son there, 60 
And bade the gentle inmate of her 

breast — 
Inshrined Modesty — supply the rest. 
But who the peril of her lips shall 

paint ? 
Strip them of smiles — still, still all 

words are faint. 
But moving Love himself appears to 

teach 
Their action, though denied to rule her 

speech ; 
And thou who seest her speak, and dost 

not hear, 
Mourn not her distant accents ? scape 

thine ear; 
Viewing those lips, thou still may'st 

make pretence 



A Portrait 



^jjt. 



To judge of what she says, and swear 
'tis sense : 70 

Clothed with such grace, with such 
expression fraught, 

They move in meaning, and they pause 
in thought ! 

But dost thou farther watch, with 
charmed surprise, 

The mild irresolution of her eyes, 

Curious to mark how frequent they 
repose, 

In brief eclipse and momentary close — 

Ah ! seest thou not an ambushed Cupid 
there, 

Too timorous of his charge, with jeal- 
ous care 

Veils and unveils those beams of heav- 
enly light, 

Too full, too fatal else, for mortal 
sight ? 80 

Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond 
to meet, 

21 



#=? The School for Scandal 

In pardoning dimples hope a safe re- 
treat. 
What though her peaceful breast should 

ne'er allow 
Subduing frowns to arm her altered 

brow, 
By Love, I swear, and by his gentle 

wiles, 
More fatal still the mercy of her 

smiles ! 
Thus lovely, thus adorned, possessing 

all 
Of bright or fair that can to woman 

fall, 
The height of vanity might well be 

thought 89 

Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault. 
Yet gentle Amoret, in mind supreme 
As well as charms, rejects the vainer 

theme ; 
And, half mistrustful of her beauty's 

store, 

22 



A Portrait H£ 

She barbs with wit those darts too keen 

before : — 
Kead in all knowledge that her sex 

should reach, 
Though Greville, or the Muse, should 

deign to teach, 
Fond to improve, nor timorous to dis- 
cern 
How far it is a woman's grace to 

learn ; 
In Millar's dialect she would not prove 
Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love, 
Graced by those signs which truth 

delights to own, 101 

The timid blush, and mild submitted 

tone: 
Whate'er she says, though sense appear 

throughout, 
Displays the tender hue of female 

doubt ; 
Decked with that charm, how lovely 

wit appears, 

23 



-SH The School for Scandal 

How graceful science, when that robe 

she wears ! 
Such too her talent s, and her bent of 

mind, 
As speak a sprightly heart by thought 

refined : 
A taste for mirth, by contemplation 

schooled, 
A turn for ridicule, by candour 

ruled, 110 

A scorn of folly, which she tries to 

hide; 
An awe of talent, which she owns with 

pride ! 
Peace, idle Muse ! no more thy strain 

prolong, 
But yield a theme, thy warmest praises 

wrong ; 
Just to her merit, though thou canst 

not raise 
Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowl- 
edged praise 

24 






A Portrait^ 

Has spread conviction through the 
envious train, 

And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's 
reign ! 

And lo ! each pallid hag, with blistered 
tongue, 

Mutters assent to all thy zeal has 
sung — 120 

Owns all the colours just — the out- 
line true ; 

Thee my inspirer, and my model — 
Crewe ! 



25 



The School for Scandal 

PEOLOGUE. 

WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK. 

A School for Scandal! tell me, I be- 
seech you, 
Needs there a school this modish art 

to teach you ? 
No need of lessons now, the knowing 

think ; 
We might as well be taught to eat and 

drink. 
Caused by a dearth of scandal, should 

the vapours 
Distress our fair ones — let them read 

the papers; 
Their powerful mixtures such disorders 

hit; 

27 



«SH The School for Scandal 

Crave what you will — there ? s quantum 

sufficit. 
" Lord ! " cries my Lady Wormwood 

(who loves tattle, 
And puts much salt and pepper in her 

prattle), 10 

Just risen at noon, all night at cards 

when threshing 
Strong tea and scandal — " Bless me, 

how refreshing ! 
Give me the papers, Lisp — how bold 

and free ! [Sips. 

Last night Lord L. [Sips'] was caught 

with Lady D. 
For aching heads what charming sal 

volatile ! [Sips. 

Lf Mrs. B. will still continue flirting, 
We hope she } ll draw, or we HI undraw 

the curtain. 
Fine satire, poz — in public all abuse it, 
But, by ourselves [Sips'], our praise we 

can't refuse it. 
28 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Now, Lisp, read you — there, at that 

dash and star : " 20 

" Yes, ma'am - — A certain lord had best 

beware, 
Who lives not twenty miles from Gros- 

venor Square; 
For, should he Lady W, find willing, 
Wormwood is bitter " " Oh ! that ? s 

me ! the villain ! 
Throw it behind the fire, and never more 
Let that vile paper come within my 

door." 
Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel 

the dart ; 
To reach our feelings, we ourselves 

must smart. 
Is our young bard so young, to think 

that he 
Can stop the full spring-tide of cal- 
umny ? 30 
Knows he the world so little, and its 

trade ? 

29 



<5H The School for Scandal 

Alas! the devil's sooner raised than 

laid. 
So strong, so swift, the monster there ? s 

no gagging : 
Cut scandal's head off, still the tongue 

is wagging. 
Proud of your smiles once lavishly be- 
stowed, 
Again our young Don Quixote takes 

the road : 
To show his gratitude he draws his 

pen, 
And seeks this hydra, Scandal, in his 

den. 
For your applause all perils he would 

through — 
He '11 fight — that 's write — a cava- 

liero true, 40 

Till every drop of blood — that *s ink 

— is spilt for you. 



30 



The School for Scandal H£ 

ACT FIEST. 

Scene I. 

Lady SneerweWs Dressing-room. 

Lady Sneerwell discovered at her toilet; 
Snake drinking chocolate. 

Lady Sneer. The paragraphs, you 
say, Mr. Snake, were all inserted ? 

Snake. They were, madam ; and, as 
I copied them myself in a feigned 
hand, there can be no suspicion whence 
they came. 

Lady Sneer. Did you circulate the 
report of Lady Brittle's intrigue with 
Captain Boastall? 

Snake. That 's in as fine a train as 
your ladyship could wish. In the com- 
mon course of things, I think it must 
reach Mrs. Clackitt's ears within four- 
3 1 



#t The School for Scandal 

and-twenty hours ; and then, you know, 
the business is as good as done. 12 

Lady Sneer. Why, truly, Mrs. Clackitt 
has a very pretty talent, and a great 
deal of industry. 

Snake. True, madam, and has been 
tolerably successful in her day. To my 
knowledge, she has been the cause of 
six matches being broken off, and three 
sons being disinherited ; of four forced 
elopements, and as many close confine- 
ments ; nine separate maintenances, and 
two divorces. Nay, I have more than 
once traced her causing a tete-a-tete in 
the Town and Country Magazine^ when 
the parties, perhaps, had never seen 
each other's face before in the course 
of their lives. 

Lady Sneer. She certainly has tal- 
ents, but her manner is gross. 28 

Snake. ? Tis very true. She generally 
designs well, has a free tongue and a 
3 2 



The School for Scandal He- 
boid invention ; but her colouring is 
too dark, and her outlines often extrav- 
agant. She wants that delicacy of 
tint, and mellowness of sneer, which 
distinguish your ladyship's scandal. 

Lady Sneer. You are partial, Snake. 

Snake. Not in the least ; everybody 
allows that Lady Sneerwell can do more 
with a word or look than many can with 
the most laboured detail, even when 
they happen to have a little truth on 
their side to support it. 40 

Lady Sneer. Yes, my dear Snake; 
and I am no hypocrite to deny the 
satisfaction I reap from the success of 
my efforts. Wounded myself, in the 
early part of my life, by the enven- 
omed tongue of slander, I confess I 
have since known no pleasure equal to 
the reducing others to the level of my 
own reputation. 

Snake. Nothing can be more natural. 
33 



-£H The School for Scandal 

But, Lady Sneerwell, there is one affair 
in which yon have lately employed me, 
wherein, I confess, I am at a loss to 
guess your motives. 51 

Lady Sneer, I conceive you mean 
with respect to my neighbour, Sir Peter 
Teazle, and his family ? 

Snake. I do. Here are two young 
men, to whom Sir Peter has acted as a 
kind of guardian since their father's 
death; the eldest possessing the most 
amiable character, and universally well 
spoken of — the youngest, the most 
dissipated and extravagant young fel- 
low in the kingdom, without friends or 
character: the former an avowed ad- 
mirer of your ladyship, and apparently 
your favourite; the latter attached to 
Maria, Sir Peter's ward, and confessedly 
beloved by her. Now, on the face of 
these circumstances, it is utterly un- 
accountable to me, why you, the widow 
34 



The School for Scandal s 

of a city knight, with a good jointure, 
should not close with the passion of a 
man of such character and expectations 
as Mr. Surface; and more so why you 
should be so uncommonly earnest to 
destroy the mutual attachment sub- 
sisting between his brother Charles 
and Maria. 73 

Lady Sneer. Then, at once to un- 
ravel this mystery, I must inform you 
that love has no share whatever in the 
intercourse between Mr. Surface and 
me. 

Snake. No ! 

Lady Sneer. His real attachment is 
to Maria, or her fortune; but, finding 
in his brother a favoured rival, he has 
been obliged to mask his pretensions, 
and profit by my assistance. 82 

Snake. Yet still I am more puzzled 
why you should interest yourself in his 
success. 

35 



-SH The School for Scandal 

Lady Sneer. Heavens ! how dull you 
are ! Cannot you surmise the weakness 
which I hitherto, through shame, have 
concealed even from you? Must I 
confess that Charles — that libertine, 
that extravagant, that bankrupt in for- 
tune and reputation — that he it is for 
whom I am thus anxious and malicious, 
and to gain whom I would sacrifice 
everything ? 92 

Snake. Now, indeed, your conduct 
appears consistent : but how came you 
and Mr. Surface so confidential ? 

Lady Sneer. For our mutual in- 
terest. I have found him out a long 
time since. I know him to be artful, 
selfish, and malicious — in short, a 
sentimental knave ; while with Sir 
Peter, and indeed with all his ac- 
quaintance, he passes for a youthful 
miracle of prudence, good sense, and 
benevolence. 102 

36 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Snake. Yes ; yet Sir Peter vows he 
has not his equal in England; and, 
above all, he praises him as a man of 
sentiment. 

Lady Sneer. True; and with the 
assistance of his sentiment and hypoc- 
risy he has brought Sir Peter entirely 
into his interest with regard to Maria ; 
while poor Charles has no friend in the 
house — though, I fear, he has a power- 
ful one in Maria's heart, against whom 
we must direct our schemes. 112 

Enter Servant. 

Ser. Mr. Surface. 

Lady Sneer. Show him up. [Exit Ser- 
vant] He generally calls about this 
time. I don't wonder at people giving 
him to me for a lover. 

Enter Joseph Surface. 

Jos. Surf. My dear Lady Sneerwell, 
37 



#? The School for Scandal 

how do you do to-day? Mr. Snake, 
your most obedient. 118 

Lady Sneer. Snake has just been 
rallying me on our mutual attachment, 
but I have informed him of our real 
views. You know how useful he has 
been to us ; and, believe me, the confi- 
dence is not ill-placed. 

Jos. Surf. Madam, it is impossible 
for me to suspect a man of Mr. Snake's 
sensibility and discernment. 

Lady Sneer. Well, well, no compli- 
ments now; but tell me when you 
saw your mistress, Maria — or, what is 
more material to me, your brother. 129 

Jos. Surf. I have not seen either 
since I left you ; but I can inform you 
that they never meet. Some of your 
stories have taken a good effect on 
Maria. 133 

Lady Sneer. Ah, my dear Snake! 
the merit of this belongs to you. 
38 



The School for Scandal Hr 

But do your brother's distresses in- 
crease ? 

Jos. Surf. Every hour. I am told 
he has had another execution in the 
house yesterday. In short, his dissi- 
pation and extravagance exceed any- 
thing I have ever heard of. 140 

Lady Sneer. Poor Charles ! 

Jos. Surf. True, madam; notwith- 
standing his vices, one can't help feel- 
ing for him. Poor Charles ! I 'm sure 
I. wish it were in my power to be of 
any essential service to him ; for the 
man who does not share in the dis- 
tresses of a brother, even though mer- 
ited by his own misconduct, deserves — 

Lady Sneer. Lud ! you are going 
to be moral, and forget that you are 
among friends. 150 

Jos. Surf Egad, that >s true ! I '11 
keep that sentiment till I see Sir Peter. 
However, it is certainly a charity to 
39 



#? The School for Scandal 

rescue Maria from such a libertine, 
who, if he is to be reclaimed, can be so 
only by a person of your ladyship's 
superior accomplishments and under- 
standing. 

Snake, I believe, Lady Sneerwell, 
here 's company coming: I '11 go and 
copy the letter I mentioned to you. 
Mr. Surface, your most obedient. 159 

Jos. Surf. Sir, your very devoted. — 
[Exit Snake] Lady Sneerwell, I am 
very sorry you have put any farther 
confidence in that fellow. 

Lady Sneer. Why so? 

Jos. Surf. I have lately detected him 
in frequent conference with old How- 
ley, who was formerly my father's 
steward, and has never, you know, 
been a friend of mine. 

Lady Sneer. And do you think he 
would betray us ? 

Jos. Surf Nothing more likely : take 
40 



The School for Scandal Hr 

my word for ? t, Lady Sneerwell, that 
fellow hasn't virtue enough to be faith- 
ful even to his own villany. Ah, 
Maria ! 172 

Enter Maria. 

Lady Sneer, Maria, my dear, how 
do you do? What's the matter? 

Mar. Oh! there ? s that disagreeable 
lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, 
has just called at my guardian's, with 
his odious uncle, Crabtree ; so I slipped 
out, and ran hither to avoid them. 

Lady Sneer. Is that all ? 

Jos. Surf. If my brother Charles 
had been of the party, madam, perhaps 
you would not have been so much 
alarmed. 182 

Lady Sneer. Nay, now you are 

severe; for I dare swear the truth of 

the matter is, Maria heard you were 

here. But, my dear, what has Sir 

41 



^ The School for Scandal 

Benjamin done, that you should avoid 
him so? 

Mar. Oh, he has done nothing — 
but 'tis for what he has said : his con- 
versation is a perpetual libel on all his 
acquaintance. 

Jos. Surf. Ay, and the worst of it 
is, there is no advantage in not knowing 
him; for he ? 11 abuse a stranger just as 
soon as his best friend: and his uncle 
>s as bad. 193 

Lady Sneer. Nay, but we should 
make allowance; Sir Benjamin is a wit 
and a poet. 

Mar. For my part, I own, madam, 
wit loses its respect with me, when I 
see it in company with malice. What 
do you think, Mr. Surface ? 

Jos. Sur. Certainly, madam ; to smile 
at the jest which plants a thorn in 
another's breast is to become a prin- 
cipal in the mischief. 201 
42 



The School for Scandal He 

Lady Sneer. Psha ! there 's no pos- 
sibility of being witty without a little 
ill nature : the malice of a good thing 
is the barb that makes it stick. What 's 
your opinion, Mr. Surface ? 

Jos. Surf. To be sure, madam ; that 
conversation, where the spirit of rail- 
lery is suppressed, will ever appear 
tedious and insipid. 

Mar. Well, I '11 not debate how far 
scandal may be allowable; but in a 
man, I am sure, it is always contempt- 
ible. We have pride, enyy, rivalship, 
and a thousand motives to depreciate 
each other; but the male slanderer 
must have the cowardice of a woman 
before he can traduce one. 215 

Re-enter Servant. 

Ser. Madam, Mrs. Candour is below, 
and, if your ladyship ? s at leisure, will 
leave her carriage. 

43 



-£H The School for Scandal 

Lady Sneer. Beg her to walk in. 
[Exit Servant] Now, Maria, here is a 
character to your taste; for, though 
Mrs. Candour is a little talkative, every- 
body allows her to be the best natured 
and best sort of woman. 222 

Mar. Yes, with a very gross affecta- 
tion of good nature and benevolence, 
she does more mischief than the direct 
malice of old Crabtree. 

Jos. Surf. V faith that ? s true, Lady 
Sneerwell : whenever I hear the current 
running against the characters of my 
friends, I never think them in such 
danger as when Candour undertakes 
their defence. 230 

Lady Sneer. Hush ! — here she is ! 

Enter Mrs. Candour. 

Mrs. Can. My dear Lady Sneerwell, 
how have you been this century ? — Mr. 
Surface, what news do you hear ? — 

44 



The School for Scandal s 

though indeed it is no matter, for I 
think one hears nothing else but 
scandal. 

Jos. Surf. Just so, indeed, ma'am. 

Mrs. Can. Oh, Maria ! child, — 
what, is the whole affair off between 
you and Charles? His extravagance, 
I presume — the town talks of nothing 
else. 240 

Mar. I am very sorry, ma'am, the 
town has so little to do. 

Mrs. Can. True, true, child: but 
there ? s no stopping people's tongues. 
I own I was hurt to hear it, as I 
indeed was to learn, from the same 
quarter, that your guardian, Sir Peter, 
and Lady Teazle have not agreed lately 
as well as could be wished. 

Mar. 'Tis strangely impertinent for 
people to busy themselves so. 250 

Mrs. Can. Very true, child: but 
what ? s to be done ? People will talk 
45 



#4 The School for Scandal 

— there ? s no preventing it. Why, it 
was but yesterday I was told that Miss 
Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filigree 
Flirt. But, Lord ! there's no minding 
what one hears; though, to be sure, I" 
had this from very good authority. 

Mar. Such reports are highly scan- 
dalous. 258 

Mrs. Can. So they are, child — 
shameful, shameful ! But the world 
is so censorious, no character escapes. 
Lord, now who would have suspected 
your friend, Miss Prim, of an indis- 
cretion ? Yet such is the ill nature of 
people, that they say her uncle stopped 
her last week, just as she was stepping 
into the York Mail with her dancing- 
master. 

Mar. I '11 answer for ? t there are no 
grounds for that report. 268 

Mrs. Can. Ah, no foundation in 
the world, I dare swear; no more, 
4 6 

\ 



The School for Scandal He 

probably, than for the story circulated 
last month, of Mrs. Festino's affair with 
Colonel Cassino — though, to be sure, 
that matter was never rightly cleared 
up. 

Jos. Surf. The license of invention 
some people take is monstrous indeed. 

Mar. ? Tis so; but, in my opinion, 
those who report such things are 
equally culpable. 277 

Mrs. Can. To be sure they are; 
tale-bearers are as bad as the tale-mak- 
ers — 'tis an old observation, and a very 
true one : but what 's to be done, as 
I said before? how will you prevent 
people from talking? To-day, Mrs. 
Clackitt assured me, Mr. and Mrs. 
Honeymoon were at last become mere 
man and wife, like the rest of their 
acquaintance. She likewise hinted that 
a certain widow, in the next street, had 
got rid of her dropsy, and recovered her 
47 



## The School for Scandal 

shape in a most surprising manner. 
And at the same time Miss Tattle, who 
was by, affirmed that Lord Buffalo had 
discovered his lady at a house of no 
extraordinary fame ; and that Sir Harry 
Bouquet and Tom Saunter were to 
measure swords on a similar provoca 
tion. But, Lord, do you think I woulc 
report these things ! No, no ! tale-bear- 
ers, as I said before, are just as bad as 
the tale-makers. 

Jos. Surf. Ah! Mrs. Candour, if 
every body had your forbearance and 
good nature ! 298 

Mrs. Can. I confess, Mr. Surface, I 
cannot bear to hear people attacked 
behind their backs; and when ugly 
circumstances come out against our 
acquaintance, I own I always love to 
think the best. By the by, I hope 'tis 
not true that your brother is abso- 
lutely ruined? 304 
48 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Jos. Surf. I am afraid his circum- 
stances are very bad indeed, ma'am. 

Mrs. Can. Ah! I heard so — but 
you must tell him to keep up his 
spirits; everybody almost is in the 
same way: Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas 
Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr. Nickit 
— all up, I hear, within this week ; so, 
if Charles is undone, he ? 11 find half his 
acquaintance ruined too, and that, you 
know, is a consolation. 

Jos. Surf. Doubtless, ma'am — a 
very great one. 

Re-enter Servant. 

Ser. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin 
Backbite. [Exit 

Lady Sneer. So, Maria, you see 
your lover pursues you; positively 
you sha'n't escape. 318 

Enter Crabtree and Sir Benjamin 
Backbite. 

49 



^ The School for Scandal 

Crab. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your 
hand. Mrs. Candour, I don't believe 
you are acquainted with my nephew, 
Sir Benjamin Backbite? Egad, ma'am, 
he has a pretty wit, and is a pretty 
poet, too. Isn't he, Lady Sneerwell ? 

Sir Ben. Oh, fie, uncle ! 

Crab. Nay, egad, it's true; I back 
him at a rebus or a charade against 
the best rhymer in the kingdom. Has 
your ladyship heard the epigram he 
wrote last week on Lady Frizzle's 
feather catching fire? — Do, Benjamin, 
repeat it, or the charade you made last 
night extempore at Mrs. Drowzie's con- 
versazione. Come now; your first is 
the name of a fish, your second a great 
naval commander, and — 334 

Sir Ben. Uncle, now — pr 'ythee — 

Crab. V faith, ma'am, 'twould sur- 
prise you to hear how ready he is at 
all these sort of things. 
50 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Lady Sneer. I wonder, Sir Benja- 
min, you never publish anything. 340 

Sir Ben. To say truth, ma'am, 'tis 
very vulgar to print ; and as my little 
productions are mostly satires and 
lampoons on particular people, I find 
they circulate more by giving copies in 
confidence to the friends of the parties. 
However, I have some love elegies, 
which, when favoured with this lady's 
smiles, I mean to give the public. 

[Pointing to Maria. 

Crab. [To Marid\ 'Fore heaven, 
ma'am, the}^ '11 immortalise you ! — you 
will be handed down to posterity, like 
Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacha- 
rissa. 352 

Sir Ben. [To Maria'] Yes, madam, 
I think you will like them, when you 
shall see them on a beautiful quarto 
page, where a neat rivulet of text shall 
meander through a meadow of margin. 
5 1 



#4 The School for Scandal 

'Fore Gad they will be the most elegant 
things of their kind ! 

Crab. But, ladies, that's true — 
have you heard the. news ? 360 

Mrs. Can. What, v sir, do you mean 
the report of — 

Crab. No, ma'am, that 's not it. — 
Miss Nicely is going to be married to 
her own footman. 

Mrs. Can. Impossible! 

Crab. Ask Sir Benjamin. 

Sir Ben. 'Tis very true, ma'am t 
everything is fixed, and the wedding 
liveries bespoke. 

Crab. Yes — and they do say there 
were pressing reasons for it. 

Lady Sneer. Why, I have heard 
something of this before. 371 

Mrs. Can. It can't be — and I won- 
der any one should believe such a 
story of so prudent a lady as Miss 
Nicely. 

52 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Sir Ben. Lud ! ma'am, that ? s the 
very reason 'twas believed at once. 
She has always been so cautious and 
so reserved, that everybody was sure 
there was some reason for it at bottom. 

Mrs. Can. Why, to be sure, a tale 
of scandal is as fatal to the credit of a 
prudent lady of her stamp as a fever is 
generally to those of the strongest con- 
stitutions. But there is a sort of puny 
sickly reputation, that is always ailing, 
yet will outlive the robuster characters 
of a hundred prudes. 

Sir Ben. True, madam, there are 
valetudinarians in reputation as well 
as constitution, who, being conscious of 
their weak part, avoid the least breath 
of air, and supply their want of stamina 
by care and circumspection. 390 

Mrs. Can. Well, but this may be 
all a mistake. You know, Sir Ben- 
jamin, very trifling circumstances 
53 






The School for Scandal 



often give rise to the most injurious 
tales. 

Crab. That they do, I ? 11 be sworn, 
ma'am. Did you ever hear how Miss 
Piper came to lose her lover and her 
character last summer at Tunbridge ? — 
Sir Benjamin, you remember it? 

Sir Ben. Oh, to be sure ! — the most 
whimsical circumstance. 400 

Lady Sneer. How was it, pray ? 

Crab. Why, one evening, at Mrs. 
Ponto's assembly, the conversation 
happened to turn on the breeding 
Nova Scotia sheep in this country. 
Says a young lady in company, "I 
have known instances of it; for Miss 
Letitia Piper, a first cousin of mine, 
had a Nova Scotia sheep that produced 
her twins." " What ! " cries the Lady 
Dowager Dundizzy (who you know is 
as deaf as a post), " has Miss Piper had 
twins?" This mistake, as you may 
54 



The School for Scandal |# 

imagine, threw the whole company 
into a fit of laughter. However, 'twas 
the next morr '. ig everywhere reported, 
and in a few days believed by the whole 
town, that Miss Letitia Piper had actu- 
ally been brought to bed of a fine boy 
and a girl: and in less than a week 
there were some people who could name 
the father, and the farmhouse where 
the babies were put to nurse. 

Lady Sneer. Strange, indeed ! 420 

Crab. Matter of fact, I assure you. 
Lud! Mr. Surface, pray is it true 
that your uncle, Sir Oliver, is coming 
home? 

Jos. Surf. Not that I know of, in- 
deed, sir. 

Crab. He has been in the East 
Indies a long time. You can scarcely 
remember him, I believe? Sad com- 
fort, whenever he returns, to hear how 
your brother has gone on ! 
55 



#1 The School for Scandal 

Jos. Surf. Charles has been impru- 
dent, sir, to be sure; but I hope no 
busy people have already prejudiced 
Sir Oliver against him. He may re- 
form. 432 

Sir Ben. To be sure he may: for 
my part, I never believed him to be so 
utterly void of principle as people say ; 
and, though he has lost all his friends, 
I am told nobody is better spoken of 
by the Jews. 

Crab. That ? s true, egad, nephew. 
If the Old Jewry was a ward, I believe 
Charles would be an alderman: no 
man more popular there, ; fore Gad! 
I hear he pays as many annuities as 
the Irish tontine ; and that, whenever 
he is sick, they have prayers for the 
recovery of his health in all the syna- 
gogues. 444 

Sir Ben. Yet no man lives in greater 
splendour. They tell me, when he 
56 



The School for Scandal Hr 

entertains his friends he will sit down 
to dinner with a dozen of his own 
securities ; have a score of tradesmen 
waiting in the antechamber, and an 
officer behind every guest's chair. 450 

Jos. Surf. This may be entertain- 
ment to you, gentlemen, but you pay 
very little regard to the feelings of a 
brother. 

Mar. [Aside] Their malice is in- 
tolerable ! — [Aloud] Lady Sneerwell, 
I must wish you a good morning : I 'm 
not very well. [Exit. 

Mrs. Can. dear! she changes 
colour very much. 

Lady Sneer. Do, Mrs. Candour, 
follow her : she may want your assist- 
ance. 459 

Mrs. Can. That I will, with all my 
soul, ma'am. — Poor dear girl, who 
Jniows what her situation may be ! * 

[Exit 
57 



-SH The School for Scandal 

Lady Sneer. ; Twas nothing but 
that she could not bear to hear Charles 
reflected on, notwithstanding their dif- 
ference. 

Sir Ben. The young l&dy' s penchant 
is obvious. 

Crab. But, Benjamin, you must not 
give up the pursuit for that: follow 
her, and put her into good humour. 
Repeat her some of your own verses. 
Come, I '11 assist you. 470 

Sir Ben. Mr. Surface, I did not 
mean to hurt you ; but depend on 't 
your brother is utterly undone. 

Crab. Lud, ay! undone as ever 
man was — can 't raise a guinea ! 

Sir Ben. And everything sold, I 'm 
told, that was movable. 

Crab. I have seen one that was 
at his house. Not a thing left but 
some empty bottles that were over- 
looked, and the family pictures, which 
58 



The School for Scandal t# 

I believe are framed in the wain- 
scots. 481 

Sir Ben. And I ? m very sorry also 
to hear some bad stories against him. 

[Going. 

Crab. Oh, he has done many mean 
things, that 's certain. 

Sir Ben. But, however, as he's 
your brother — \_Going. 

Crab. We '11 tell you all another 
opportunity. 

[Exeunt Crabtree and Sir Benjamin. 

Lady Sneer. Ha ! ha ! 'tis very 
hard for them to leave a subject they 
have not quite run down. 

Jos. Surf. And I believe the abuse 
was no more acceptable to your lady- 
ship than Maria. 491 

Lady Sneer. I doubt her affections 

are farther engaged than we imagine. 

But the family are to be here this 

evening, so you may as well dine 

59 



#t The School for Scandal 

where you are, and we shall have an 
opportunity of observing farther; in 
the meantime, I ; 11 go and plot mis- 
chief, and you shall study sentiment. 

\_Exeunt 

Scene II. 

A Boom in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Sir Pet. When an old bachelor 
marries a young wife, what is he to 
expect? ? Tis now six months since 
Lady Teazle made me the happiest of 
men — and I have been the most mis- 
erable dog ever since ! We tiffed a 
little going to church, and fairly quar- 
relled before the bells had done ring- 
ing. I was more than once nearly 
choked with gall during the honey- 
moon, and had lost all comfort in life 
before my friends had done wishing 
60 



The School for Scandal Hr 

me joy. Yet I chose with caution — a 
girl bred wholly in the country, who 
never knew luxury beyond one silk 
gown, nor dissipation above the annual 
gala of a race ball. Yet she now plays 
her part in all the extravagant fop- 
peries of fashion and the town, with 
as ready a grace as if she never had 
seen a bush or a grass-plot out of 
Grosvenor Square ! I am sneered at 
by all my acquaintance, and para- 
graphed in the newspapers. She dis- 
sipates my fortune, and contradicts all 
my humours; yet the worst of it is, 
I doubt I love her, or I should never 
bear all this. However, I ? 11 never be 
weak enough to own it. 24 

Enter Rowley. 

Row. Oh ! Sir Peter, your servant : 
how is it with you, sir ? 

Sir Pet. Very bad, Master Rowley, 
61 






The School for Scandal 



very bad. I meet with nothing but 
crosses and vexations. 

Bow. What can have happened since 
yesterday ? 

Sir Pet. A good question to a mar- 
ried man ! . 30 

Bow. Nay, I >m sure, Sir Peter, 
your lady can't be the cause of your 
uneasiness. 

Sir Pet. Why, has anybody told 
you she was dead?, 

Bow. Come, come, Sir Peter, you 
love her, notwithstanding your tem- 
pers don't exactly agree. 

Sir Pet. But the fault is entirely 
hers, Master Rowley. I am, myself, 
the sweetest-tempered man alive, and 
hate a teasing temper; and so I tell 
her a hundred times a day. 41 

Bow. Indeed ! 

Sir Pet. Ay; and what is very 
extraordinary, in all our disputes she 
62 



The School for Scandal Hr 

is always in the wrong! But Lady 
Sneerwell, and the set she meets at 
her house, encourage the perverseness 
of her disposition. Then, to complete 
my vexation, Maria, my ward, whom 
I ought to have the power of a 
father over, is determined to turn 
rebel too, and absolutely refuses the 
man whom I have long resolved on 
for her husband; meaning, I suppose, 
to bestow herself on his profligate 
brother. 53 

Bow. You know, Sir Peter, I have 
always taken the liberty to differ with 
you on the subject of these two young 
gentlemen. I only wish you may not 
be deceived in your opinion of the 
elder. For Charles, my life on >t! he 
will retrieve his errors yet. Their 
worthy father, once my honoured mas- 
ter, was, at his years, nearly as wild 
a spark ; yet, when he died, he did not 
63 






The School for Scandal 



leave a more benevolent heart to lament 
his loss. 63 

Sir Pet. You are wrong, Master 
Kowley. On their father's death, you 
know, I acted as a kind of guardian to 
them both, till their uncle Sir Oliver's 
liberality gave them an early independ- 
ence: of course, no person could have 
more opportunities of judging of their 
hearts, and I was never mistaken in my 
life. Joseph is indeed a model for the 
young men of the age. He is a man 
of sentiment, and acts up to the senti- 
ments he professes ; but, for the other, 
take my word for % if he had any 
grain of virtue by descent, he has 
dissipated it with the rest of his in- 
heritance. Ah! my old friend, Sir 
Oliver, will be deeply mortified when 
he finds how part of his bounty has 
been misapplied. 78 

Bow. I am sorry to find you so vio- 
64 



The School for Scandal Hr 

lent against the young man, because 
this may be the most critical period 
of his fortune. I came hither with 
news that will surprise you. 82 

■Sir Pet. What ! let me hear. 

Row. Sir Oliver is arrived, and at 
this moment in town. 

Sir Pet. How! you astonish me! 
I thought you did not expect him this 
month. 

Row. I did not: but his passage 
has been remarkably quick. 89 

Sir Pet. Egad, I shall rejoice to see 
my old friend. ? Tis sixteen years since 
we met. We have had many a day 
together: — but does he still enjoin 
us not to inform his nephews of his 
arrival ? 

Row. Most strictly. He means, 
before it is known, to make some trial 
of their dispositions. 

Sir Pet. Ah ! there needs no art 
65 



#4 The School for Scandal 

to discover their merits — however, he 
shall have his way; but, pray, does he 
know I am married ? 100 

Bow. Yes, and will soon wish you 
joy. 

Sir Pet. What, as we drink health 
to a friend in a consumption ! Ah ! 
Oliver will laugh at me. We used to 
rail at matrimony together, but he has 
been steady to his text. Well, he must 
be soon at my house, though — I % 
instantly give orders for his reception. 
But, Master Eowley, don't drop a word 
that Lady Teazle and I ever disagree. 

Bow. By no means. 110 

Sir Pet. For I should never be able 
to stand NolPs jokes; so I '11 have him 
think, Lord forgive me! that we are 
a very happy couple. 

Bow. I understand you : — but then 
you must be very careful not to differ 
while he is in the house with you. 
66 



The School for Scandal Hr 

Sir Pet Egad and so we must — 
and that 's impossible. Ah! Master 
Rowley, when an old bachelor marries 
a young wife, he deserves — no — the 
crime carries its punishment along 
with it. [Exeunt. 121 

ACT SECOND. 
Scene I. 

A Boom in Sir Peter Teazle's 

House. 

Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle. 

Sir Pet Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, 
I ? 11 not bear it ! 

Lady Teaz. Sir Peter, Sir Peter, 
you may bear it or not, as you please ; 
but I ought to have my own way in 
everything, and what ; s more, I will, 
too. What! though I was educated 
67 



#4 The School for Scandal 

in the country, I know very well that 
women of fashion in London are ac- 
countable to nobody after they are 
married. 

Sir Pet Very well, ma'am, very 
well ; so a husband is to have no influ- 
ence, no authority ? 11 

Lady Teaz. Authority! No, to be 
sure : if you wanted authority over me, 
you should have adopted me, and not 
married me: I am sure you were old 
enough. 

Sir Pet Old enough! — ay, there 
it is. Well, well, Lady Teazle, though 
my life may be made unhappy by your 
temper, I '11 not be ruined by your 
extravagance ! 

Lady Teaz. My extravagance ! I 'm 
sure I 'm not more extravagant than a 
woman of fashion ought to be. 22 

Sir Pet No, no, madam, you shall 
throw away no more sums on such un» 
68 



The School for Scandal |# 

meaning luxury. 'S life ! to spend as 
much to furnish your dressing-room 
with flowers in winter as would suffice 
to turn the Pantheon into a green- 
house, and give a fete ehampetre at 
Christmas. 

Lady Teaz. And am I to blame, Sir 
Peter, because flowers are dear in cold 
weather ? You should find fault with 
the climate, and not with me. For my 
part, I 'm sure I wish it was spring all 
the year round, and that roses grew 
under our feet! 34 

Sir Pet. Oons ! madam — if you 
had been born to this, I shouldn't 
wonder at you talking thus; but you 
forget what your situation was when 
I married you. 

Lady Teaz. No, no, I don't; 'twas 
a very disagreeable one, or I should 
never have married you. 41 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, madam, you were 
69 






The School for Scandal 



then in somewhat a humbler style — 
the daughter of a plain country squire. 
Becollect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you 
first sitting at your tambour, in a pretty 
figured linen gown, with a bunch of 
keys at your side, your hair combed 
smooth over a roll, and your apartment 
hung round with fruits in worsted, of 
your own working. 49 

Lady Teaz. Oh, yes! I remember 
it very well, and a curious life I led. 
My daily occupation to inspect the 
dairy, superintend the poultry, make 
extracts from the family receipt-book, 
and comb my aunt Deborah's lap-dog. 

Sir Pet Yes, yes, ma'am, 'twas so 
indeed. 

Lady Teaz. And then you know, 
my evening amusements! To draw 
patterns for ruffles, which I had not 
materials to make up; to play Pope 
Joan with the curate; to read a ser- 
70 



The School for Scandal Hr 

mon to my aunt ; or to be stuck down 
to an old spinet to strum my father to 
sleep after a fox-chase. 62 

Sir Pet. I am glad you have so 
good a memory. Yes, madam, these 
were the recreations I took you from; 
but now you must have your coach — 
vis-a-vis — and three powdered footmen 
before your chair ; and, in the summer, 
a pair of white cats to draw you to 
Kensington Gardens. No recollection, 
I suppose, when you were content to 
ride double, behind the butler, on a 
docked coach-horse. 71 

Lady Teaz. No — I swear I never 
did that: I deny the butler and the 
coach-horse. 

Sir Pet. This, madam, was your 
situation; and what have I done for 
you? I have made you a woman of 
fashion, of fortune, of rank — in short, 
I have made you my wife. 
7i 






The School for Scandal 



Lady Teaz. Well, then, and there 
is but one thing more you can make 
me to add to the obligation, that 
is — 80 

Sir Pet. My widow, I suppose ? 

Lady Teaz. Hem ! hem ! 

Sir Pet. I thank you, madam — but 
don't flatter yourself, for, though your 
ill conduct may disturb my peace of 
mind, it shall never break my heart, 
I promise you : however, I am equally 
obliged to you for the hint. 

Lady Teaz. Then why will you en- 
deavour to make yourself so disagree- 
able to me, and thwart me in every 
little elegant expense? 90 

Sir Pet. ? S life, madam, I say, had 
you any of these little elegant expenses 
when you married me ? 

Lady Teaz. Lud, Sir Peter! would 
you have me be out of the fashion ? 

Sir Pet. The fashion, indeed ! what 
72 



The School for Scandal H£ 

had you to do with the fashion before 
you married me ? 

Lady Teaz. For my part, I should 
think you would like to have your wife 
thought a woman of taste. 

Sir Pet. Ay — there again — taste ! 
Zounds! madam, you had no taste 
when you married me! 102 

Lady Teaz. That ; s yery true, in- 
deed, Sir Peter! and, after haying 
married you, I should never pretend 
to taste again, I allow. But now, Sir 
Peter, since we have finished our daily 
jangle, I presume I may go to my 
engagement at Lady Sneerwell's. 108 

Sir Pet. Ay, there ? s another pre- 
cious circumstance — a charming set 
of acquaintance you have made there! 

Lady Teaz. Nay, Sir Peter, they 
are all people of rank and fortune, 
and remarkably tenacious of reputa- 
tion. 

73 



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The School for Scandal 



Sir Pet. Yes, egad, they are tena- 
cious of reputation with a vengeance; 
for they don't choose anybody should 
have a character but themselves ! Such 
a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid 
on a hurdle who has done less mischief 
than these utterers of forged tales, coin- 
ers of scandal, and clippers of reputa- 
tion. » 121 

Lady Teaz. What, would you re- 
strain the freedom of speech? 

Sir Pet. Ah ! they have made you 
just as bad as any one of the society. 

Lady Teaz. Why, I believe I do 
bear a part with a tolerable grace. 

Sir Pet. Grace indeed ! 

Lady Teaz. But I vow I bear no 
malice against the people I abuse: 
when I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis 
out of pure good humour; and I take 
it for granted they deal exactly in the 
same manner with me. But, Sir Peter, 
74 



The School for Scandal £# 

you know you promised to come to 
Lady SneerwelPs too. 134 

Sir Pet Well, well, I '11 call in, 
just to look after my own character. 

Lady Teaz. Then, indeed, you must 
make haste after me, or you ; 11 be too 
late. So good-bye to ye. [Exit 

Sir Pet. So — I have gained much 
by my intended expostulation! Yet 
with what a charming air she contra- 
dicts everything I say, and how pleas- 
antly she shows her contempt for my 
authority! Well, though I can't make 
her love me, there is great satisfaction 
in quarrelling with her; and I think 
she never appears to such advantage 
as when she is doing everything in 
her power to plague me. [Exit 147 



75 



-SH The School for Scandal 

Scene II. 

A Boom in Lady Sneerwell's Souse. 

Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour, Crab- 
tree, Sir Benjamin Backbite, and 
Joseph Surface, discovered. 

Lady Sneer. Nay, positively, we will 
hear it. 

Jos. Surf. Yes, yes, the epigram, by 
all means. 

Sir Ben. plague on ? t, uncle ! 'tis 
mere nonsense. 

Crab. JSTo, no ; ? f ore Gad, very clever 
for an extempore ! 

Sir Ben. But, ladies, you should be 
acquainted with the circumstance. You 
must know, that one day last week, as 
Lady Betty Curricle was taking the 
dust in Hyde Park, in a sort of duo- 
decimo phaeton, she desired me to write 
7 6 



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some verses on her ponies ; upon which, 
I took out my pocket-book, and in one 
moment produced the following : 13 

Sure never were seen two such beauti- 
ful ponies ; 

Other horses are clowns, but these 
macaronies : 

To give them this title I ? m sure can't 
be wrong, 

Their legs are so slim, and their tails 
are so long. 

Crab. There, ladies, done in the 
smack of a whip, and on horseback 
too. 

Jos. Surf. A very Phoebus, mounted 
— indeed, Sir Benjamin! 21 

Sir Ben. Oh, dear, sir! trifles — 
trifles. 

Enter Lady Teazle and Maria. 

Mrs. Can. I must have a copy. 
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#4 The School for Scandal 

Lady Sneer. Lady Teazle, I hope 
we shall see Sir Peter? 

Lady Teaz. I believe lie '11 wait on 
your ladyship presently. 

Lady Sneer. Maria, my love, you 
look grave. Come, you shall sit down 
to piquet with Mr. Surface. 30 

Mar. I take very little pleasure in 
cards — however, I '11 do as your lady- 
ship pleases. 

Lady Teaz. I am surprised Mr. 
Surface should sit down with her; 
I thought he would have embraced 
this opportunity of speaking to me 
before Sir Peter came. [Aside. 

Mrs. Can. Now, I '11 die, but you 
are so scandalous, I '11 forswear your 
society. 

Lady Teaz. What 's the matter, 
Mrs. Candour? 39 

Mrs. Can. They '11 not allow our 
friend Miss Vermilion to be handsome. 
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Lady Sneer. Oh, surely she is a 
pretty woman. 

Crab. I am very glad you think so, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. Can. She has a charming fresh 
colour. 

Lady Teaz. Yes, when it is fresh 
put on. 

Mrs. Can. Oh, fie ! I '11 swear her 
colour is natural : I have seen it come 
and go ! 

Lady Teaz. I dare swear you have, 
ma'am : it goes off at night, and comes 
again in the morning. 49 

Sir Ben. True, ma'am, it not only 
comes and goes; but, what 's more, 
egad, her maid can fetch and carry 
it! 

Mrs. Can. Ha ! ha ! ha ! how I hate 
to hear you talk so ! But surely, now, 
her sister is, or was, very handsome. 

Crab. Who ? Mrs. Evergreen ? O 
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#4 The School for Scandal 

Lord ! she 7 s six and fifty if she 's an 
hour! 

Mrs. Can. Now positively you wrong 
her; fifty-two or fifty-three is the ut- 
most — and I don't think she looks 
more. 60 

Sir Ben. Ah! there 7 s no judging 
by her looks, unless one could see her 
face. 

Lady Sneer. Well, well, if Mrs. Ever- 
green does take some pains to repair 
the ravages of time, you must allow 
she effects it with great ingenuity ; and 
surely that ? s better than the careless 
manner in which the widow Ochre 
caulks her wrinkles. 68 

Sir Ben. Nay, now, Lady Sneerwell, 
you are severe upon the widow. Come, 
come, 'tis not that she paints so ill — 
but, when she has finished her face, she 
joins it on so badly to her neck, that 
she looks like a mended statue, in which 
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^rT 



the connoisseur may see at once that 
the head is modern, though the trunk ? s 
antique. 

Crab. Ha! ha! ha! Well said, 
nephew ! 

Mrs. Can. Ha ! ha ! ha ! "Well, you 
make me laugh ; but I vow I hate you 
for it. What do you think of Miss 
Simper ? 

Sir Ben. Why, she has very pretty 
teeth. 80 

Lady Teaz. Yes; and on that ac- 
count, when she is neither speaking 
nor laughing (which very seldom hap- 
pens), she never absolutely shuts her 
mouth, but leaves it always ajar, as it 
were — thus. [Shows her teeth. 

Mrs. Can. How can you be so ill- 
natured ? 86 

Lady Teaz. Nay, I allow even that ? s 
better than the pains Mrs. Prim takes 
to conceal her losses in front. She 
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draws her mouth till it positively re- 
sembles the aperture of a poor ? s-box, 
and all her words appear to slide out 
edgewise, as it were — thus: How do 
you do, madam ? Yes, madam. [Mimics. 

Lady Sneer. Very well. Lady Teazle ; 
I see you can be a little severe. 

Lady Teaz. In defence of a friend 
it is but justice. But here comes Sir 
Peter to spoil our pleasantry. 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Sir Pet. Ladies, your most obedi- 
ent — [.4 side] Mercy on me, here is 
the whole set! a character dead at 
every word, I suppose. 100 

Mrs. Can. I am rejoiced you are 
come, Sir Peter. They have been so 
censorious — and Lady Teazle as bad 
as any one. 

Sir Pet. That must be very dis- 
tressing to you, indeed, Mrs. Candour. 
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Mrs. Can. Oh, they will allow good 
qualities to nobody ; not even good na- 
ture to our friend Mrs. Pursy. 108 

Lady Teaz. What, the fat dowager 
who was at Mrs. Quadrille's last night ? 

Mrs. Can. Nay, her bulk is her mis- 
fortune; and, when she takes so much 
pains to get rid of it, you ought not to 
reflect on her. 

Lady Sneer. That 's very true, in- 
deed. 

Lady Teaz. Yes, I know she almost 
lives on acids and small whey; laces 
herself by pulleys; and often, in the 
hottest noon in summer, you may see 
her on a little squat pony, with her 
hair plaited up behind like a drum- 
mer's and puffing round the Ring on a 
full trot. 120 

Mrs. Can. I thank you, Lady Teazle, 
for defending her. 

Sir Pet. Yes, a good defence, truly. 
83 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Mrs. Can. Truly, Lady Teazle is as 
censorious as Miss Sallow. 

Crab. Yes, and she is a curious 
being to pretend to be censorious — an 
awkward gawky, without any one good 
point under heaven. 128 

Mrs. Can. Positively you shall not 
be so very severe. Miss Sallow is a 
near relation of mine by marriage, 
and, as for her person, great allow- 
ance is to be made ; for, let me tell 
you, a woman labours under many dis- 
advantages who tries to pass for a girl 
of six and thirty. 

Lady Sneer. Though, surely, she is 
handsome still — and for the weakness 
in her eyes, considering how much she 
reads by candlelight, it is not to be 
wondered at. 138 

Mrs. Can. True, and then as to her 
manner; upon my word I think it is 
particularly graceful, considering she 
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«L^y 



never had the least education; for 
yon know her mother was a Welsh 
milliner, and her father a sugar-baker 
at Bristol. 

Sir Ben. Ah ! you are both of you 
too good-natured ! 

Sir Pet. Yes, damned good-natured ! 
This their own relation ! mercy on me ! 

[Aside. 

Mrs. Can. For my part, I own I can- 
not bear to hear a friend ill spoken of. 

Sir Pet. No, to be sure ! 150 

Sir Ben. Oh ! you are of a moral 
turn. Mrs. Candour and I can sit for 
an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk 
sentiment. 

Lady Teaz. Nay, I vow Lady Stucco 
is very well with t the dessert after 
dinner; for she 's just like the French 
fruit one cracks for mottoes — made 
up of paint and proverb. 

Mrs. Can. Well, I will never join in 
85 



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ridiculing a friend ; and so I constantly 
tell my cousin Ogle, and you all know 
what pretensions she has to be critical 
on beauty. 161 

Crab. Oh, to be sure ! she has her- 
self the oddest countenance that ever 
was seen; 'tis a collection of features 
from all the different countries of the 
globe. 

Sir Ben. So she has, indeed — an 
Irish front — 

Crab. Caledonian locks — 

Sir Ben. Dutch nose — 

Crab. Austrian lips — 

Sir Ben. Complexion of a Span- 
iard — 170 

Crab. -And teeth a la Chinoise — 

Sir Ben. In short, her face resembles 
a table d'hdte at Spa — where no two 
guests are of a nation — 

Crab. Or a congress at the close of 
a general war — wherein all the mem- 
86 



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bers, even to her eyes, appear to have 
a different interest, and her nose and 
chin are the only parties likely to join 
issue. 

Mrs. Can. Ha! ha! ha! 179 

Sir Pet. Mercy on my life! — a 
person they dine with twice a week ! 

[Aside. 

Mrs. Can. Nay, but I vow you shall 
not carry the laugh off so — for give 
me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle — 

Sir Pet. Madam, madam, I beg your 
pardon — there 's no stopping these 
good gentlemen's tongues. But when 
I tell you, Mrs. Candour, that the lady 
they are abusing is a particular friend 
of mine, I hope you ? 11 not take her 
part. 190 

Lady Sneer. Ha ! ha ! ha ! well said, 

Sir Peter ! but you are a cruel creature 

— too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, 

and too peevish to allow wit in others. 

8? 



iH The School for Scandal 

Sir Pet Ah, madam, true wit is 
more nearly allied to good nature than 
your ladyship is aware of. 

Lady Teaz. True, Sir Peter: I be- 
lieve they are so near akin that they 
can never be united. 

Sir Ben. Or rather, suppose them 
man and wife, because one seldom sees 
them together. 200 

Lady Teaz. But Sir Peter is such 
an enemy to scandal, I believe he would 
have it put down by parliament. 

Sir Pet 'Fore heaven, madam, if 
they were to consider the sporting with 
reputation of as much importance as 
poaching on manors, and pass an act 
for the preservation of fame, as well 
as game, I believe many would thank 
them for the bill. 

Lady Sneer. Lud! Sir Peter; 
would you deprive us of our privi- 
leges ? 211 
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Sir Pet. Ay, madam; and then no 
person should be permitted to kill 
characters and run down reputations, 
but qualified old maids and disap- 
pointed widows. 

Lady Sneer. Go, you monster ! 

Mrs. Can. But, surely, you would 
not be quite so severe on those who 
only report what they hear? 

Sir Pet. Yes, madam, I would have 
law merchant for them too ; and in all 
cases of slander currency, whenever 
the drawer of the lie was not to 
be found, the injured parties should 
have a right to come on any of the 
mdorsers. 223 

Crab. Well, for my part, I believe 
there never was a scandalous tale with- 
out some foundation. 

Lady Sneer. Come, ladies, shall 
we sit down to cards in the next 
room ? 

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Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter. 

Sir Pet. I '11 be with them directly. 
[Exit Servant] I '11 get away unper- 
ceived. [Aside. 

Lady Sneer. Sir Peter, you are not 
going to leave us ? 231 

Sir Pet. Your ladyship must excuse 
me; I 'm called away by particular 
business. But I leave my character 
behind me. [Exit. 

Sir Ben. Well — certainly, Lady 
Teazle, that lord of yours is a strange 
being : I could tell you some stories of 
him would make you laugh heartily if 
he were not your husband. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, pray don't mind 
that; come, do let ? s hear them. 240 






[Exeunt all but Joseph Surface and Maria. 

Jos. Surf. Maria, I see you have no 
satisfaction in this society. 
90 



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Mar. How is it possible I should ? 
If to raise malicious smiles at the in- 
firmities or misfortunes of those who 
have never injured us be the province 
of wit or humour. Heaven grant me a 
double portion of dulness ! 

Jos. Surf. Yet they appear more ill- 
natured than they are ; they have no 
malice at heart. 249 

Mar. Then is their conduct still 
more contemptible ; for, in my opinion, 
nothing could excuse the intemperance 
of their tongues but a natural and un- 
controllable bitterness of mind. 

Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly, madam ; and 
it has always been a sentiment of 
mine, that to propagate a malicious 
truth wantonly is more despicable than 
to falsify from revenge. But can you, 
Maria, feel thus for others, and be un- 
kind to me alone ? Is hope to be denied 
the tenderest passion ? 261 

9i 



-SH The School for Scandal 

Mar. Why will you distress me by 
renewing this subject? 

Jos. Surf. Ah, Maria ! you would not 
treat me thus, and oppose your guard- 
ian, Sir Peter's will, but that I see that 
profligate Charles is still a favoured 
rival. 

Mar. Ungenerously urged! But, 
whatever my sentiments are for that 
unfortunate young man, be assured I 
shall not feel more bound to give him 
up, because his distresses have lost 
him the regard even of a brother. 27: 

Jos. Surf. Nay, but, Maria, do not 
leave me with a frown: by all that ? s 
honest, I swear — [Kneels, 






a 



Re-enter Lady Teazle behind. 

[Aside] Gad's life, here 's Lady 
Teazle. — [Aloud to Maria] You must 
not — no, you shall not — for, though 
92 






The School for Scandal £# 

I have the greatest regard for Lady 
Teazle — 

Mar. Lady Teazle! 

Jos. Surf. Yet were Sir Peter to 
suspect — 280 

Lady Teaz. [Coming forward] What 
is this, pray? Does he take her for 
me? Child, you are wanted in the 
next room. — [Exit Mariaj What is all 
this, pray ? 

Jos. Surf. Oh, the most unlucky 
circumstance in nature! Maria has 
somehow suspected the tender concern 
I have for your happiness, and threat- 
ened to acquaint Sir Peter with her 
suspicions, and I was just endeavour- 
ing to reason with her when you came 
in. 290 

Lady Teaz. Indeed ! but you seemed 
to adopt a very tender mode of reason- 
ing — do you usually argue on your 
knees ? 

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#* The School for Scandal 

Jos. Surf. Oh, she ? s a child, and I 
thought a little bombast — But, Lady 
Teazle, when are you to give me 
your judgment on my library, as you 
promised ? 

Lady Teaz. No, no ; I begin to think 
it would be imprudent, and you know I 
admit you as a lover no farther than 
fashion requires. 300 

Jos. Surf. True — a mere Platonic 
cicisbeo, what every wife is entitled 
to. 

Lady Teaz. Certainly, one must not 
be out of the fashion. However, I have 
so many of my country prejudices left, 
that, though Sir Peter's ill-humour 
may vex me ever so, it never shall 
provoke me to — 

Jos. Surf. The only revenge in your 
power. Well, I applaud your moder- 
ation. 

Lady Teaz. Go — you are an insinu- 
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ating wretch ! But we shall be missed 
-—let us join the company. 312 

Jos. Surf. But we had best not 
return together. 

Lady Teaz. Well, don't stay; for 
Maria shaVt come to hear any more 
of your reasoning, I promise you. [Exit. 

Jos. Surf. A curious dilemma, truly, 
my politics have run me into ! I 
wanted, at first, only to ingratiate 
myself with Lady Teazle, that she 
might not be my enemy with Maria; 
and I have, I don't know how, become 
her serious lover. Sincerely I begin 
to wish I had never made such a point 
of gaining so very good a character, 
for it has led me into so many cursed 
rogueries that I doubt I shall be ex- 
posed at last. [Exit. 



95 






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Scene III. 
A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 

JZnter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowley. 

Sir Oliv. Ha! ha! ha! so my old 
friend is married, hey ? — a young wife 
out of the country. Ha ! ha ! ha ! that 
he should have stood bluff to old 
bachelor so long, and sink into a 
husband at last ! 

Row. But you must not rally him 
on the subject, Sir Oliver; 'tis a tender 
point, I assure you, though he has been 
married only seven months. 

Sir Oliv. Then he has been just half 
a year on the stool of repentance ! — 
Poor Peter! But you say he has en- 
tirely given up Charles — never sees 
him, hey? l: 

Roto. His prejudice against him is 
96 



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astonishing, and I am sure greatly in- 
creased by a jealousy of him with Lady 
Teazle, which he has industriously been 
led into by a scandalous society in the 
neighbourhood, who have contributed 
not a little to Charles's ill name. 
Whereas the truth is, I believe, if the 
lady is partial to either of them, his 
brother is the favourite. 20 

Sir Oliv. Ay, I know there are a set 
of malicious, prating, prudent gossips, 
both male and female, who murder 
characters to kill time, and will rob a 
young fellow of his good name before 
he has years to know the value of it. 
But I am not to be prejudiced against 
my nephew by such, I promise you! 
No, no: if Charles has done nothing 
false or mean, I shall compound for his 
extravagance. 29 

Row. Then, my life on ? t, you will 
reclaim him. Ah, sir, it gives me new 
97 



#4 The School for Scandal 

life to find that your heart is not 
turned against him, and that the son 
of my good old master has one friend, 
however, left. 

Sir Oliv. What ! shall I forget, Mas- 
ter Bowley, when I was at his years 
myself ? Egad, my brother and I were 
neither of us very prudent youths; 
and yet, I believe, you have not seen 
many better men than your old master 
was? 

How. Sir, 'tis this reflection gives 
me assurance that Charles may yet be 
a credit to his family. But here comes 
Sir Peter. 42 

Sir Oliv. Egad, so he does ! Mercy 
on me ! he 's greatly altered, and seems 
to have a settled married look ! One 
may read husband in his face at this 
distance ! 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 
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Sir Pet Ha! Sir Oliver — my old 
friend! Welcome to England a thou- 
sand times ! 

Sir Oliv. Thank you, thank you. Sir 
Peter! and i' faith I am glad to find 
you well, believe me ! 50 

Sir Pet Oh ! 'tis a long time since 
we met — fifteen years, I doubt, Sir 
Oliver, and many a cross accident in 
the time. 

Sir Oliv. Ay, I have had my share. 
But, what ! I find you are married, hey, 
my old boy? Well, well, it can't be 
helped; and so — I wish you joy with 
all my heart ! 

Sir Pet Thank you, thank you, Sir 
Oliver. — Yes, I have entered into — 
the happy state ; but we ? 11 not talk of 
that now. 60 

Sir Oliv. True, true, Sir Peter; old 
friends should not begin on grievances 
at first meeting. No, no, no. 
99 

LcfC. 






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Bow. [Aside to Sir Oliver] Take care, 
pray, sir. 

Sir Oliv. Well, so one of my 
nephews is a wild rogue, hey ? 

Sir Pet. Wild ! Ah ! my old friend, 
I grieve for your disappointment 
there; lie ; s a lost young man, in- 
deed. However, his brother will make 
you amends; Joseph is, indeed, what 
a youth should be — everybody in the 
world speaks well of him. 72 

Sir Oliv. I am sorry to hear it ; he 
has too good a character to be an 
honest fellow. Everybody speaks well 
of him! Psha! then he has bowed 
as low to knaves and fools as to the 
honest dignity of genius and virtue. 

Sir Pet. What, Sir Oliver! do you 
blame him for not making enemies ? 

Sir Oliv. Yes, if he has merit 
enough to deserve them. 81 

Sir Pet. Well, well — you '11 be 
ioo 



The School for Scandal £# 

convinced when you know him. "Tis 
edification to hear him converse; he 
professes the noblest sentiments. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, plague of his senti- 
ments ! If he salutes me with a scrap 
of morality in his mouth I shall be sick 
directly. But, however, don't mistake 
me, Sir Peter ; I don't mean to defend 
Charles's errors : but, before I form my 
judgment of either of them, I intend to 
make a trial of their hearts; and my 
friend Rowley and I have planned 
something for the purpose. 93 

Row. And Sir Peter shall own for 
once he has been mistaken. 

Sir Pet. Oh, my life on Joseph's 
honour ! 

Sir Oliv. Well — come, give us a 
bottle of good wine, and we '11 drink 
the lads' health, and tell you our 
scheme. 

Sir Pet. Allons, then ! 100 

IOI 



## The School for Scandal 

Sir Oliv. And don't, Sir Peter, be 
so severe against your old friend's son. 
Odds my life ! I am not sorry that he 
has run out of the course a little : for 
my part, I hate to see prudence cling- 
ing to the green suckers of youth ; 'tis 
like ivy round a sapling, and spoils the 
growth of the tree. [Exeunt. 

ACT THIRD. 

Scene I. 

A Boom in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle, Sir Oliver 
Surface, and Eowley. 

Sir Pet. Well, then, we will see this 
fellow first, and have our wine after- 
wards. But how is this, Master 
Eowley? I don't see the jest of 
your scheme. 

Row. Why, sir, this Mr. Stanley, 

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whom I was speaking of, is nearly 
related to them by their mother. He 
was once a merchant in Dublin, but 
has been ruined by a series of unde- 
served misfortunes. He has applied, 
by letter, since his confinement, both 
to Mr. Surface and Charles: from the 
former he has received nothing but 
evasive promises of future service, 
while Charles has done all that his 
extravagance has left him power to 
do ; and he is, at this time, endeavour- 
ing to raise a sum of money, part of 
which, in the midst of his own dis- 
tresses, I know he intends for the ser- 
vice of poor Stanley. 

Sir Oliv. Ah! he is my brother's 
son. 19 

Sir Pet Well, but how is Sir Oliver 
personally to — 

Row. Why, sir, I will inform Charles 
and his brother that Stanley has ob- 
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tained permission to apply personally 
to his friends; and, as they have 
neither of them ever seen him, let Sir 
Oliver assume his character, and he 
will have a fair opportunity of judg- 
ing, at least, of the benevolence of 
their dispositions : and believe me, sir, 
you will find in the youngest brother 
one who, in the midst of folly and dis- 
sipation, has still, as our immortal bard 
expresses it, — 32 

u a heart to pity, and a hand, 
Open as day, for melting charity." 

Sir Pet Psha ! What signifies his 
having an open hand or purse either, 
when he has nothing left to give? 
Well, well, make the trial, if you 
please. But where is the fellow whom 
you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, 
relative to Charles's affairs ? 40 

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The School for Scandal £# 

Row. Below, waiting his commands, 
and no one can give him better in- 
telligence. — This, Sir Oliver, is a 
friendly Jew, who, to do him justice, 
has done everything in his power to 
bring your nephew to a proper sense 
of his extravagance. 

Sir Pet. Pray let us have him in. 

Row. Desire Mr. Moses to walk up- 
stairs. [Calls to Servant. 

Sir Pet. But, pray, why should you 
suppose he will speak the truth ? 50 

Row. Oh, I have convinced him 
that he has no chance of recovering 
certain sums advanced to Charles, but 
through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who 
he knows is arrived ; so that you may 
depend on his fidelity to his own in- 
terests. I have also another evidence 
in my power, one Snake, whom I have 
detected in a matter little short of 
forgery, and shall shortly produce to 
105 



-SH The School for Scandal 

remove some of your prejudices, Sir 
Peter, relative to Charles and Lady 
Teazle. 60 

Sir Pet. I have heard too much on 
that subject. 

Bow. Here comes the honest Israel- 
ite. 

Enter Moses. 

— This is Sir Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, I understand you have 
lately had great dealings with my 
nephew Charles. 

Mos. Yes, Sir Oliver, I have done 
all I could for him; but he was 
ruined before he came to me for 
assistance. 

Sir Oliv. That was unlucky, truly ; 
for you have had no opportunity of 
showing your talents. 70 

Mos. None at all ; I had n't the 
pleasure of knowing his distresses till 
1 06 



The School for Scandal Hr 

he was some thousands worse than 
nothing. 

Sir Oliv. Unfortunate, indeed ! But 
I suppose you have done all in your 
power for him, honest Moses? 

Mos. Yes, he knows that. This very 
evening I was to have brought him a 
gentleman from the city, who does not 
know him, and will, I believe, advance 
him some money. 80 

Sir Pet. What, one Charles has 
never had money from before? 

Mos. Yes, Mr. Premium, of Crutched 
Friars, formerly a broker. 

Sir Pel. Egad, Sir Oliver, a thought 
strikes me ! — Charles, you say, does 
not know Mr. Premium ? 

Mos. Not at all. 

Sir Pet. Now then, Sir Oliver, you 
may have a better opportunity of satis- 
fying yourself than by an old romanc- 
ing tale of a poor relation : go with my 
107 



?H The School for Scandal 



friend Moses, and represent Premium, 
and then, I ? 11 answer for it, you '11 see 
your nephew in all his glory. 93 

Sir Oliv. Egad, I like this idea 
better than the other, and I may visit 
Joseph afterwards as old Stanley. 

Sir Pet. True — so you may. 

Bow. Well, this is taking Charles 
rather at a disadvantage, to be sure. 
However, Moses, you understand Sir 
Peter, and will be faithful ? 100 

Mos. You may depend upon me. — 
[Looks at his watch'] This is near the 
time I was to have gone. 

Sir Oliv. I '11 accompany you as 
soon as you please, Moses — But hold ! 
I have forgot one thing — how the 
plague shall I be able to pass for a 
Jew? 

Mos. There ? s no need — the prin- 
cipal is Christian. 

Sir Oliv. Is he ? I ? m very sorry to 
108 






The School for Scandal H£ 

hear it. But, then again, an't I rather 
too smartly dressed to look like a 
money lender? ill 

Sir Pet Not at all ; 'twould not be 
out of character, if you went in your 
own carriage — would it, Moses ? 

Mos. Not in the least. 

Sir Oliv. Well, but how must I 
talk? there's certainly some cant of 
usury and mode of treating that I 
ought to know. 

Sir Pet. Oh, there 's not much to 
learn. The great point, as I take it, 
is to be exorbitant enough in your 
demands. Hey, Moses ? 121 

Mqs. Yes, that 's a very great point. 

Sir Oliv. I '11 answer for 't I '11 not 
be wanting in that. I '11 ask him 
eight or ten per cent, on the loan, at 
least. 

Mos. If you ask him no more than 
that, you '11 be discovered immediately. 
109 



•£H The School for Scandal 



Sir Oliv. Hey ! what, the plague ! 
how much then ? 

Mos. That depends upon the cir- 
cumstances. If he appears not very 
anxious for the supply, you should 
require only forty or fifty per cent.; 
but if you find him in great distress, 
and want the moneys very bad, you 
may ask double. 133 

Sir Pet. A good honest trade you 're 
learning, Sir Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. Truly, I think so — and 
not unprofitable. 

Mos. Then, you know, you have n't 
the moneys yourself, but are forced to 
borrow them for him of a friend. 

Sir Oliv. Oh! I borrow it of a 
friend, do I? 140 

Mos. And your friend is an uncon- 
scionable dog : but you can't help that. 

Sir Oliv. My friend an unconscion- 
able dog, is he ? 

no 






The School for Scandal £# 

Mos. Yes, and he himself has not 
the moneys by him, but is forced to 
sell stock at a great loss. 

Sir Oliv. He is forced to sell stock 
at a great loss, is he ? Well that 's 
very kind of him. 

Sir Pet. P faith, Sir Oliver — Mr. 
Premium, I mean — you ? 11 soon be 
master of the trade. But, Moses ! 
would not you have him run out 
a little against the Annuity Bill ? 
That would be in character, I should 
think. 152 

Mos. Very much. 

Bow. And lament that a young man 
now must be at years of discretion be- 
fore he is suffered to ruin himself ? 

Mos. Ay, great pity ! 

Sir Pet. And abuse the public for 
allowing merit to an act whose only 
object is to snatch misfortune and im- 
prudence from the rapacious gripe of 



•SH The School for Scandal 

usury, and give the minor a chance 
of inheriting his estate without being 
undone by coming into possession. 

Sir Oliv. So, so — Moses shall give 
me farther instructions as we go 
together. 165 

Sir Pet. You will not have much 
time, for your nephew lives hard by. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, never fear ! my tutor 
appears so able, that though Charles 
lived in the next street, it must be my 
own fault if I am not a complete rogue 
before I turn the corner. 171 

[Exit with Moses. 

Sir Pet. So, now, I think Sir Oliver 
will be convinced: you are partial, 
Eowley, and would have prepared 
Charles for the other plot. 

Row. No, upon my word, Sir Peter. 

Sir Pet. Well, go bring me this 
Snake, and I ? 11 hear what he has to 
say presently. I see Maria, and want 

112 






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to speak with her. — [Exit Rowley] I 
should be glad to be convinced my 
suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles 
were unjust. I have never yet opened 
my mind on this subject to my friend 
Joseph — I am determined I will do 
it — he will give me his opinion sin- 
cerely. 184 

Enter Maria. 

So, child, has Mr. Surface returned 
with you. 

Mar. No, sir ; he was engaged. 

Sir Pet. Well, Maria, do you not 
reflect, the more you converse with 
that amiable young man, what return 
his partiality for you deserves ? 

Mar. Indeed, Sir Peter, your fre- 
quent importunity on this subject dis- 
tresses me extremely — you compel me 
to declare, that I know no man who 
has ever paid me a particular atten- 
ds 



#4 The School for Scandal 

tion whom I would not prefer to Mr. 
Surface. 194 

Sir Pet, So — here 's perverseness ! 
No, no, Maria, 'tis Charles only whom 
you would prefer. 7 Tis evident his 
vices and follies have won your heart. 

Mar. This is unkind, sir. You know 
I have obeyed you in neither seeing 
nor corresponding with him: I have 
heard enough to convince me that he 
is unworthy my regard. Yet I cannot 
think it culpable, if, while my under- 
standing severely condemns his vices, 
my heart suggests some pity for his 
distresses. 204 

Sir Pet Well, well, pity him as 
much as you please; but give your 
heart and hand to a worthier ob- 
ject. 

Mar. Never to his brother. 

Sir Pet. Go, perverse and obstinate ! 
But take care, madam ; you have never 
114 



The School for Scandal £# 

yet known what the authority of a 
guardian is: don't compel me to in- 
form you of it. 212 

Mar. I can only say, you shall not 
have just reason. 'Tis true, by my 
father's will, I am for a short period 
bound to regard you as his substitute ; 
but must cease to think you so, when 
you would compel me to be miserable. 

[Exit. 

Sir Pet. Was ever man so crossed 
as I am, everything conspiring to fret 
me ! I had not been involved in matri- 
mony a fortnight, before her father, a 
hale and hearty man, died, on purpose, 
I believe, for the pleasure of plaguing 
me with the care of his daughter — 
[Lady Teazle sings without^ But here 
comes my helpmate! She appears in 
great good humour. How happy I 
should be if I could tease her into lov- 
ing me, though but a little ! 



va^> 



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Enter Lady Teazle. 

Lady Teaz. Lud ! Sir Peter, I hope 
you have n't been quarrelling with 
Maria ? It is not using me well to be 
ill-humoured when I am not by. 230 

Sir Pet Ah, Lady Teazle, you might 
have the power to make me good-hu- 
moured at all times. 

Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish I had ; 
for I want you to be in a charming 
sweet temper at this moment. Do be 
good-humoured now, and let me have 
two hundred pounds, will you ? 

Sir Pet Two hundred pounds ; what, 
an't I to be in a good humour without 
paying for it ! But speak to me thus, 
and i' faith there '& nothing I could 
refuse you. You shall have it; but 
seal me a bond for the repayment. 242 

Lady Teaz. Oh, no — there — my note 
of hand will do as well. [Offering her hand. 
116 



The School for Scandal He 

Sir Pet. And you shall no longer 
reproach, me with not giving you an 
independent settlement. I mean shortly 
to surprise you: but shall we always 
live thus, hey ? 

Lady Teaz. If you please. I 'm 
sure I don't care how soon we leave off 
quarrelling, provided you'll own you 
were tired first. 251 

Sir Pet. Well — then let our future 
contest be, who shall be most oblig- 
ing. 

Lady Teaz. I assure you, Sir Peter, 
good nature becomes you. You look 
now as you did before we were married, 
when you used to walk with me under 
the elms, and tell me stories of what a 
gallant you were in your youth, and 
chuck me under the chin, you would ; 
and asked me if I thought I could love 
an old fellow, who would deny me 
nothing — did n't you ? 263 

117 



## The School for Scandal 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, and you were as 
kind and attentive — 

Lady Teaz. Ay, so I was, and would 
always take your part, when my ac- 
quaintance used to abuse you, and turn 
you into ridicule. 

Sir Pet. Indeed ! 

Lady Teaz. Ay, and when my 
cousin Sophy has called you a stiff, 
peevish old bachelor, and laughed at 
me for thinking of marrying one who 
might be my father, I have always 
defended you, and said, I did n't think 
you so ugly by any means. 274 

Sir Pet. Thank you. 

Lady Teaz. And I dared say you ? d 
make a very good sort of a husband. 

Sir Pet. And you prophesied right ; 
and we shall now be the happiest 
couple — 279 

Lady Teaz. And never differ again ? 

Sir Pet. No, never ! — though at 
118 



! 



The School for Scandal Hr 

the same time, indeed, my dear Lady 
Teazle, you must watch your temper 
very seriously; for in all our little 
quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my 
love, you always began first. 

Lady Teaz. I beg your pardon, my 
dear Sir Peter: indeed, you always 
gave the provocation. 

Sir Pet. Now see, my angel ! take 
care — contradicting isn't the way to 
keep friends. 

Lady Teaz, Then don't you begin 
it, my love ! 290 

Sir Pet. There, now! you — you are 
going on. You don't perceive, my life, 
that you are just doing the very thing 
which you know always makes me angry. 

Lady Teaz. Nay, you know, if you 
will be angry without any reason, my 
dear — 

Sir Pet. There! now you want to 
quarrel again. 

119 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Lady Teaz. No, I'm sure I don't: 
but if you will be so peevish — 

Sir Pet. There now! who begins 
first ? 300 

Lady Teaz. Why, you, to be sure. 
I said nothing — but there 's no bearing 
your temper. 

Sir Pet. No, no, madam : the fault's 
in your temper. 

Lady Teaz. Ay, you are just what 
my cousin Sophy said you would be. 

Sir Pet. Your cousin Sophy is a 
forward, impertinent gipsy. 

Lady Teaz. You are a great bear, 
I'm sure, to abuse my relations. 310 

Sir Pet. Now may all the plagues 
of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I 
try to be friends with you any more ! 

Lady Teaz. So much the better. 

Sir Pet. No, no, madam : 'tis evi- 
dent you never cared a pin for me, and 
I was a madman to marry you — a 



The School for Scandal Hr 

pert, rural coquette, that had refused 
half the honest squires in the neigh- 
bourhood ! 319 

Lady Teaz. And I am sure I was a 
fool to marry you — an old dangling 
bachelor, who was single at fifty, only 
because he never could meet with any 
one who would have him. 

Sir Pet. Ay, ay, madam; but you 
were pleased enough to listen to me : 
you never had such an offer before. 

Lady Teaz. JSTo ! did n't I refuse Sir 
Tivy Terrier, who everybody said would 
have been a better match ? for his es- 
tate is just as good as yours, and he 
has broke his neck since we have been 
married. 331 

Sir Pet. I have done with you, 
madam! You are an unfeeling, un- 
grateful — but there 's an end of 
everything. I believe you capable of 
everything that is bad. Yes, madam,. 



#4 The School for Scandal 

I now believe the reports relative 
to you and Charles, madam. Yes, 
madam, you and Charles are, not 
without grounds 

Lady Teaz. Take care, Sir Peter ! 
you had better not insinuate any such 
thing ! I ? 11 not be suspected without 
cause, I promise you. 341 

Sir Pet. Very well, madam! very 
well ! A separate maintenance as soon 
as you please. Yes, madam, or a di- 
vorce ! I ; 11 make an example of my- 
self for the benefit of all old bachelors. 
Let us separate, madam. 

Lady Teaz. Agreed ! agreed ! And 
now, my dear Sir Peter, we are of a 
mind once more, we may be the hap- 
piest couple, and never differ again, 
you know : ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, you 
are going to be in a passion, I see, and 
I shall only interrupt you — so, bye ! 
bye ! [Exit. 352 



The School for Scandal £# 

Sir Pet. Plagues and tortures ! can't 
I make her angry either! Oh, I am 
the most miserable fellow ! But I '11 
not bear her presuming to keep her 
temper : no ! she may break my heart, 
but she sha'n't keep her temper. [Exit. 

Scene II. 

A Room in Charles Surface's House. 

Enter Trip, Moses, and Sir Oliver 
Surface. 

Trip. Here, Master Moses ! if you '11 
stay a moment I '11 try whether — 
what 's the gentleman's name ? 

Sir Oliv. Mr. Moses, what is my 
name ? [Aside to Moses. 

Mos. Mr. Premium. 

Trip. Premium — very well. 

[Exit taking snuff. 

Sir Oliv. To judge by the servants, 
123 



#4 The School for Scandal 

one would n't believe the master was 
ruined. But what ! — sure, this was 
my brother's house ? 9 

Mos. Yes, sir; Mr. Charles bought 
it of Mr. Joseph, with the furniture, 
pictures, etc., just as the old gentleman 
left it. Sir Peter thought it a piece of 
extravagance in him. 

Sir Oliv. In my mind, the other's 
economy in selling it to him was more 
reprehensible by half. 

Re-enter Trip. 

Trip. My master says you must 
wait, gentlemen: he has company, and 
can't speak with you yet. 

Sir Oliv. If he knew who it was 
wanted to see him, perhaps he would 
not send such a message. 21 

Trip. Yes, yes, sir; he knows you 
are here — I did not forget little 
Premium : no, no, no. 
124 






The School for Scandal H£ 

Sir Oliv. Very well ; and I pray 
sir, what may be your name ? 

Trip. Trip, sir; my name is Trip, 
at your service. 

Sir Oliv. Well, then, Mr. Trip, you 
have a pleasant sort of place here, I 
guess ? 28 

Trip. Why, yes — here are three or 
four of us pass our time agreeably 
enough ; but then our wages are some- 
times a little in arrear — and not very 
great either — but fifty pounds a year, 
and find our own bags and bouquets. 

Sir Oliv. Bags and bouquets! hal- 
ters and bastinadoes ! [Aside. 

Trip. And a propos, Moses, have 
you been able to get me that little bill 
discounted ? 

Sir Oliv. Wants to raise money, 
too ! — mercy on me ! Has his dis- 
tresses, too, I warrant, like a lord, and 
affects creditors and duns. [Aside. 40 

I2 5 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Mos. 'Twas not to be done, indeed, 
Mr. Trip. 

Trip. Good lack, you surprise me! 
My friend Brush has indorsed it, and I 
thought when he put his name at the 
back of a bill 'twas the same as cash. 

Mos. No, 'twould n't do. 

Trip. A small sum — but twenty 
pounds. Hark'ee, Moses, do you think 
you could n't get it me by way of 
annuity ? 49 

Sir Oliv. An annuity! ha! ha! a 
footman raise money by way of an- 
nuity ! Well done, luxury, egad ! 

[Aside. 

Mos. Well, but you must insure 
your place. 

Trip. Oh, with all my heart ! I '11 
insure my place, and my life, too, if 
you please. 

Sir Oliv. It 's more than I would 
your neck. [Aside. 

126 



The School for Scandal £# 

Mos. But is there nothing you could 
deposit ? 57 

Trip. Why, nothing capital of my 
master's wardrobe has dropped lately; 
but I could give you a mortgage on 
some of his winter clothes, with equity 
of redemption before November — or 
you shall have the reversion of the 
French velvet, or a post-obit on the 
blue and silver ; — these, I should 
think, Moses, with a few pair of point 
ruffles, as a collateral security — hey, 
my little fellow ? 

Mos. Well, well. [Bell rings. 

Trip. Egad, I heard the bell! I 
believe, gentlemen, I can now introduce 
you. Don't forget the annuity, little 
Moses ! This way, gentlemen, I '11 
insure my place, you know. 71 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] If the man be a 
shadow of the master, this is the temple 
of dissipation, indeed ! Exeunt. 

127 



#f The School for Scandal 

Scene III. 

Another Boom in the same. 

Charles Surface, Sir Harry Bumper, 
Careless, and Gentlemen, discovered 
drinking. 

Chas. Surf. 'Fore heaven, 'tis true ! 
— there 's the great degeneracy of the 
age. Many of our acquaintance have 
taste, spirit, and politeness ; but plague 
on 't, they won't drink. 

Care. It is so, indeed, Charles ! 
they give into all the substantial lux- 
uries of the table, and abstain from 
nothing but wine and wit. Oh, cer- 
tainly society suffers by it intolerably ! 
for now, instead of the social spirit of 
raillery that used to mantle over a 
glass of bright Burgundy, their conver- 
sation is become just like the Spa-| 
128 



The School for Scandals 



*=vT 



water they drink, which has all the 
pertness and flatulency of champagne, 
without its spirit or flavour. 14 

1 Gent. But what are they to do 
who love play better than wine ? 

Care. True ! there 's Sir Harry diets 
himself for gaming, and is now under 
a hazard regimen. 

Chas. Surf. Then he '11 have the 
worst of it. What ! you would n't train 
a horse for the course by keeping him 
from corn ? For my part, egad, I am 
never so successful as when I am a 
little merry : let me throw on a bottle 
of champagne, and I never lose. 24 

All. Hey, what ? 

Care. At least I never feel my 
losses, which is exactly the same thing. 

2 Gent. Ay, that I believe. 

Chas. Surf. And then, what man 
can pretend to be a believer in love, 
who is an abjurer of wine? 'Tis the 
129 



iH The School for Scandal 

test by which, the lover knows his own 
heart. Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen 
beauties, and she that floats at the 
top is the maid that has bewitched 
you. 34 

Care, Now, then, Charles, be honest, 
and give us your real favourite. 

Chas. Surf. Why, I have withheld 
her only in compassion to you. If I 
toast her, you must give a round of 
her peers, which is impossible — on 
earth. 

Care. Oh ! then we '11 find some 
canonised vestals or heathen goddesses 
that will do, I warrant ! 42 

Chas. Surf. Here then, bumpers, you 
rogues ! bumpers ! Maria ! Maria ! 

Sir Har. Maria who ? 

Chas. Surf. Oh, damn the surname ! 
— 'tis too formal to be registered in 
Love's calendar — Maria ! 

AIL Maria ! 

130 



The School for Scandal H£ 



Chas. Surf. But now, Sir Harry, 
beware, we must have beauty super- 
lative. 51 

Care. Nay, never study, Sir Harry : 
we '11 stand to the toast, though your 
mistress should want an eye, and you 
know you have a song will excuse you. 

Sir Har. Egad, so I have ! and I '11 
give him the song instead of the lady. 

[Sings. 

Here 's to the maiden of bashful fifteen ; 

Here 's to the widow of fifty ; 
Here 's to the flaunting extravagant 
quean, 60 

And here 's to the housewife that 's 
thrifty. 

Chorus. Let the toast pass, — 

Drink to the lass, 
I '11 warrant she '11 prove an excuse for 
the glass. 

I 3 I 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Here 's to the charmer whose dimples 
we prize ; 
Now to the maid who has none, sir : 
Here ? s to the girl with a pair of blue 
eyes, 
And here ? s to the nymph with but 
one, sir. 
Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 

Here ? s to the maid with a bosom of 
snow : 70 

Now to her that ? s as brown as a 
berry : 
Here ? s to the wife with a face full of 
woe, 
And now to the damsel that ? s merry. 
Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 

For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be 
slim, 
Young or ancient, I care not a 
feather ; 

132 



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So fill a pint bumper quite up to the 

brim, 
So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the 

brim, 
And let us e'en toast them together. 
Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 80 

AIL Bravo! bravo! 



Enter Trip, and whispers Charles 
Surface. 

Chas. Surf. Gentlemen, you must 
excuse me a little. — Careless, take the 
chair, will you ? 

Care. Nay, pr'ythee, Charles, what 
now? This is one of your peerless 
beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by 
chance ? 

Chas. Surf. No, faith ! To tell you 
the truth, 'tis a Jew and a broker, who 
are come by appointment. 
!33 



-SH The School for Scandal 

Care. Oh, damn it ! let ? s have the 
Jew in. 90 

1 Gent. Ay, and the broker too, by 
all means. 

2 Gent. Yes, yes, the Jew and the 
broker. 

Chas. Surf. Egad, with all my heart ! 
— Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in. — 
[Exit Trip] Though there 's one of 
them a stranger, I can tell you. 

Care. Charles, let us give them 
some generous Burgundy, and perhaps 
they '11 grow conscientious. 97 

Chas. Surf. Oh, hang 'em, no ! wine 
does but draw forth a man's natural 
qualities; and to make them drink 
would only be to whet their knavery. 

Re-enter Trip, with Sir Oliver Surface 
and Moses. 

Chas. Surf. So, honest Moses; 
!34 



The School for Scandal f# 

walk in, pray, Mr. Premium — that 
's the gentleman's name, isn't it, 
Moses ? 

Mos. Yes, sir. 

Chas. Surf, Set chairs, Trip. — Sit 
down, Mr. Premium. — Glasses, Trip. 
— [ Trip gives chairs and glasses, and exit\ 
Sit down, Moses. — Come, Mr. Pre- 
mium, I '11 give you a sentiment; 
here 's Success to usury! — Moses, fill 
the gentleman a bumper. ill 

Mos. Success to usury ! [Drinks. 

Care. Eight, Moses — usury is pru- 
dence and industry, and deserves to 
succeed. 

Sir Oliv. Then here 's — All the 
success it deserves ! [Drinks. 

Care. No, no, that won't do! Mr. 
Premium, you have demurred at the 
toast, and must drink it in a pint 
bumper. 

1 Gent. A pint bumper, at least. 
*3S 



#? The School for Scandal 



Mos. Oh, pray, sir, consider — Mr, 
Premium 's a gentleman. 121 

Care. And therefore loves good 
wine. 

2 Gent. Give Moses a quart glass 
— this is mutiny, and a high con- 
tempt for the chair. 

Care. Here, now for 't! I '11 see 
justice done to the last drop of my 
bottle. 

Sir Oliv. Nay, pray, gentlemeu — 
I did not expect this usage. 

Chas. Surf. No, hang it, you sha'n't ; 
Mr. Premium 's a stranger. 130 

Sir Oliv. Odd ! I wish I was well 
out of their company. [Aside. 

Care. Plague on 'em then! if they 
won't drink, we '11 not sit down with 
them. Come, Harry, the dice are in 
the next room. — Charles, you '11 join 
us when you have finished your busi- 
ness with the gentlemen? 
136 



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Chas. Surf. I will ! I will ! — [Exeunt 
Sir Henry Bumper and Gentlemen ; Careless 
following'] Careless! 140 

Care. [Returning] Well! 

Chas. Surf Perhaps I may want 
you. 

Care. Oh, you know I am always 
ready : word, note, or bond, 'tis all the 
same to me. [Exit. 

Mos. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a 
gentleman of the strictest honour and 
secrecy ; and always performs what he 
undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is 

Chas. Surf. Psha ! have done. Sir, 
my friend Moses is a very honest fel- 
low, but a little slow at expression: 
he ? 11 be an hour giving us our titles. 
Mr. Premium, the plain state of the 
matter is this: I am an extravagant 
young fellow who wants to borrow 
money ; you I take to be a prudent old 
fellow, who have got money to lend. 
*37 



#4 The School for Scandal 

I am blockhead enough, to give fifty 
per cent, sooner than not have it ; and 
you, I presume, are rogue enough to 
take a hundred if you can get it. Now, 
sir, you see we are acquainted at once, 
and may proceed to business without 
farther ceremony. 161 

Sir Oliv. Exceeding frank, upon 
my word. I see, sir, you are not a 
man of many compliments. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, no, sir! plain 
dealing in business I always think 
best. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, I like you the better 
for it. However, you are mistaken in 
one thing; I have no money to lend, 
but I believe I could procure some of 
a friend ; but then he ? s an unconscion- 
able dog. Isn't he, Moses ? And must 
sell stock to accommodate you. Must n't 
he, Moses ? 172 

Mos. Yes, indeed ! You know I 
138 



The School for Scandal Hr 

always speak the truth, and scorn to 
tell a lie! 

Chas. Surf. Eight. People that 
speak truth generally do. But these 
are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I 
know money is n't to be bought with- 
out paying for >t! 

Sir Oliv. Well, but what security 
could you give? You have no land, 
I suppose? 180 

Chas. Surf. Not a mole-hill, nor a 
twig, but what 's in the bough-pots out 
of the window ! 

Sir Oliv. Nor any stock, I presume ? 

Chas. Surf Nothing but live stock 
— and that ? s only a few pointers and 
ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are 
you acquainted at all with any of my 
connections ? 

Sir Oliv. Why, to say truth, I am. 

Chas. Surf. Then you must know 
that I have a devilish rich uncle in the 
i39 



#§ The School for Scandal 



East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from 
whom I have the greatest expecta- 
tions ? 192 

Sir Oliv. That you have a wealthy 
uncle, I have heard; but how your 
expectations will turn out is more, I 
believe, than you can tell. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, no ! — there can be 
no doubt. They tell me I 'm a prodi- 
gious favourite, and that he talks of 
leaving me everything. 

Sir- Oliv. Indeed ! this is the first 
I 've heard of it. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. 
Moses knows 'tis true; don't you, 
Moses ? 201 

Mos. Oh, yes ! I '11 swear to 't. 

Sir Oliv. Egad, they '11 persuade me 
presently I 'm at Bengal. [Aside. 

Chas. Surf. Now, I propose, Mr. 
Premium, if it 's agreeable to you, a 
post-obit on Sir Oliver's life : though at 
140 



The School for Scandal Hr 

the same time the old fellow has been 
so liberal to me, that I give you my 
word I should be very sorry to hear 
that anything had happened to him. 

Sir Oliv. Not more than I should, 
I assure you. But the bond you men- 
tion happens to be just the worst secur- 
ity you could offer me — for I might 
live to a hundred and never see the 
principal. 215 

Chas. Surf. Oh, yes, you would! 
the moment Sir Oliver dies, you 
know, you would come on me for the 
money. 

Sir Oliv. Then I believe I should 
be the most unwelcome dun you ever 
had in your life. 220 

Chas. Surf. What ! I suppose you 're 
afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a 
life? 

Sir Oliv. No, indeed I am not; 
though I have heard he is as hale and 
141 






The School for Scandal 



healthy as any man of his years in 
Christendom. 

Chas. Surf. There again, now, you 
are misinformed. No, no, the climate 
has hurt him considerably, poor uncle 
Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I ; m 
told — and is so much altered lately 
that his nearest relations would not 
know him. 230 

Sir Oliv. No ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! so much 
altered lately that his nearest relations 
would not know him ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
egad — ha! ha! ha! 

Chas. Surf. Ha ! ha ! — you 're glad 
to hear that, little Premium ? 

Sir Oliv. No, no, I 'm not. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, you are — ha ! 
ha! ha! — you know that mends your 
chance. 

Sir Oliv. But I ? m told Sir Oliver is 
coming over ; nay, some say he is actu- 
ally arrived. 241 
142 



The School for Scandal £# 

Chas. Surf. Psha ! sure I must know 
better than you whether he 's come or 
not. No, no, rely on ? t he ? s at this 
moment at Calcutta. Is n ? t he, Moses ? 

Mos. Oh, yes, certainly. 

Sir Oliv. Very true, as you say, you 
must know better than I, though I have 
it from pretty good authority. Haye n ? t 
I, Moses ? 

Mos. Yes, most undoubted ! 250 

Sir Oliv. But, sir, as I understand 
you want a few hundreds immediately, 
is there nothing you could dispose of ? 

Chas. Surf. How do you mean ? 

Sir Oliv. For instance, now, I have 
heard that your father left behind him 
a great quantity of massy old plate. 

Chas. Surf. Lud ! that ; s gone 
long ago. Moses can tell you how 
better than I can. 259 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] Good lack ! all the 
family race-cups and corporation-bowls ! 
i43 



#4 The School for Scandal 

— [Aloud] Then it was also supposed 
that his library was one of the most 
valuable and compact. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, so it was — 
vastly too much so for a private gen- 
tleman. For my part, I was always 
of a communicative disposition, so I 
thought it a shame to keep so much 
knowledge to myself. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] Mercy upon me! 
learning that had run in the family 
like an heirloom ! — [Aloud] Pray, what 
are become of the books ? 272 

Chas. Surf. You must inquire of 
the auctioneer, Master Premium, for 
I don't believe even Moses can direct 
you. 

Mos. I know nothing of books. 

Sir Oliv. So, so, nothing of the fam- 
ily property left, I suppose ? 

Chas. Surf. Not much, indeed; un- 
less you have a mind to the family 
144 






The School for Scandal H£ 

pictures. I have got a room full of 
ancestors above; and if you have a 
taste for old paintings, egad, you shall 
have ? em a bargain ! 283 

Sir Oliv. Hey! what the devil! 
sure, you would n't sell your fore- 
fathers, would you? 

Chas. Surf. Every man of them, to 
the best bidder. 

Sir Oliv. What! your great-uncles 
and aunts? 

Chas. Surf. Ay, and my great-grand- 
fathers and grandmothers too. 289 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] Now I give him 
up! — [Aloud] What the plague, have 
you no bowels for your own kindred ? 
Odds life ! do you take me for Shylock 
in the play, that you would raise money 
of me on your own flesh and blood ? 

Chas. Surf. Nay, my little broker, 
don't be angry : what need you care, if 
you have your money's worth ? 
M5 



The School for Scandal H£ 






Sir Oliv. Well, I ? 11 be the pur- 
chaser: I think I can dispose of the 
family canvas. — [Aside] Oh, I ? 11 never 
forgive him this ! never ! 301 

Re-enter Careless. 

Care. Come, Charles, what keeps 
you? 

Chas. Surf. I can't come yet. V 
faith, we are going to have a sale above 
stairs ; here 's little Premium will buy 
all my ancestors ! 

Care. Oh, burn your ancestors ! 

Chas. Surf. No, he may do that 
afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Care- 
less, we want you : egad, you shall be 
auctioneer — so come along with us. 3ic 

Care. Oh, have with you, if that ? s 
the case, I can handle a hammer as 
well as a dice-box ! Going ! going ! 

Sir Oliv. Oh, the profligates ! [Aside. 

Chas. Surf Come, Moses, you shall 
146 



The School for Scandal Hr 

be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's 
life, little Premium, you don't seem to 
like the business ? 

Sir Oliv. Oh, yes, I do, vastly ! Ha ! 
ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke 
to sell one's family by auction — ha! 
ha ! — [^de] Oh, the prodigal ! 321 

Chas. Surf. To be sure ! when a man 
wants money, where the plague should 
he get assistance, if he can't make free 
with his own relations ! [Exeunt. 

Sir Oliv. I '11 never forgive him; 
never! never! 



M7 



•SH The School for Scandal 



ACT FOURTH. 

Scene I. 

A Picture Boom in Charles Surface's 
House. 

Enter Charles Surface, Sir Oliver 
Surface, Moses, and Careless. 

Chas. Surf. Walk in, gentlemen, 
pray walk in; — here they are, the 
family of the Surfaces, up to the Con- 
quest. 

Sir Oliv. And, in my opinion, a 
goodly collection. 

Chas. Surf Ay, ay, these are done 
in the true spirit of portrait-painting; 
no volontihre grace or expression. Not 
like the works of your modern Ra- 
phaels, who give you the strongest re- 
semblance, yet contrive to make your 
portrait independent of you; so that 
148 



The School for Scandal H£ 

you may sink the original and not hurt 
the picture. No, no; the merit of 
these is the inveterate likeness — all 
stiff and awkward as the originals, and 
like nothing in human nature besides. 

Sir Oliv. Ah! we shall never see 
such figures of men again. 16 

Chas. Surf. I hope not. Well, you 
see, Master Premium, what a domestic 
character I am ; here I sit of an even- 
ing surrounded by my family. But 
come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auction- 
eer; here ? s an old gouty chair of my 
grandfathers will answer the purpose. 

Care. Ay, ay, this will do. But, 
Charles, I have n't a hammer; and 
what ? s an auctioneer without his ham- 
mer? 25 

Chas. Surf. Egad, that 's true. What 

parchment have we here? Oh, our 

genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down] 

Here, Careless, you shall have no com- 

149 



•JH The School for Scandal 

mon bit of mahogany, here 's the family 
tree for you, you rogue ! This shall be 
your hammer, and now you may knock 
down my ancestors with their own 
pedigree. 32 

Sir Oliv. What an unnatural rogue ! 
— an ex post facto parricide! [Aside. 

Care. Yes, yes, here 's a list of your 
generation indeed ; — faith, Charles, 
this is the most convenient thing you 
could have found for the business, for 
'twill not only serve as a hammer, but 
a catalogue into the bargain. Come, 
begin — A-going, a-going, a-going ! 40 

Chas. Surf. Bravo, Careless! Well, 
here 's my great-uncle, Sir Eichard 
Baveline, a marvellous good general 
in his day, I assure you. He served 
in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, 
and got that cut over his eye at the 
battle of Malplaquet. What say you, 
Mr. Premium? look at him — there 's 
1 50 



The School for Scandal Hf 

a hero ! not cut out of his feathers, as 
your modern clipped captains are, but 
enveloped in wig and regimentals, as 
a general should be. What do you 
bid ? 50 

Sir Oliv. [Aside to Moses"] Bid him 
speak. 

Mos. Mr. Premium would have you 
speak. 

Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall 
have him for ten pounds, and I 'm 
sure that ? s not dear for a staff-officer. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] Heaven deliver me ! 
his famous uncle Richard for ten 
pounds ! — [Aloud] Very well, sir, I 
take him at that. 58 

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down 
my uncle Richard. — Here, now, is a 
maiden sister of his, my great-aunt 
Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best 
manner, and esteemed a very formidable 
likeness. There she is, you see, a shep- 



«SH The School for Scandal 

herdess feeding her flock. You shall 
have her for five pounds ten — the 
sheep are worth the money. 

Sir Oliv. \Aside] Ah! poor Debo- 
rah! a woman who set such a value 
on herself! — [^Zowd] Five pounds ten 
— she 's mine. 69 

Chas. Surf. Knock down my aunt 
Deborah! Here, now, are two that 
were a sort of cousins of theirs. — You 
see, Moses, these pictures were done 
some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, 
and the ladies their own hair. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, truly, head-dresses 
appear to have been a little lower in 
those days. 

Chas. Surf. Well, take that couple 
for the same. 

Mos. ? Tis a good bargain. 

Chas. Surf. Careless! — This, now, 
is a grandfather of my mother's, a 
learned judge, well known on the west- 
152 






The School for Scandal *# 

em circuit. — What do you rate him 
at, Moses ? 82 

Mos. Four guineas. 

Chas. Surf. Four guineas! Gad's 
life, you don't bid me the price of his 
wig. — Mr. Premium, you have more 
respect for the woolsack; do let us 
knock his lordship down at fifteen. 

Sir Oliv. By all means. 

Care. Gone ! 89 

Chas. Surf. And there are two broth- 
ers of his, William and Walter Blunt, 
Esquires, both members of Parliament, 
and noted speakers ; and, what 's very 
extraordinary, I believe, this is the first 
time they were ever bought or sold. 

Sir Oliv. That is very extraordinary, 
indeed! I '11 take them at your own 
price, for the honour of Parliament. 

Care. Well said, little Premium! 
I ; 11 knock them down at forty. 100 

(J has. Surf. Here 's a jolly fellow 
i53 



#4 The School for Scandal 

— I don't know what relation, but he 
was mayor of Norwich: take him at 
eight pounds. 

Sir Oliv. No, no; six will do for 
the mayor. 

Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, 
and I '11 throw you the two aldermen 
there into the bargain. 

Sir Oliv. They ? re mine. 

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down 
the mayor and aldermen. But, plague 
on ; t! we shall be all day retailing in 
this manner ; do let us deal wholesale : 
what say you, little Premium? Give 
me three hundred pounds for the rest 
of the family in the lump. 113 

Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best 
way. 

Sir Oliv. Well, well, anything to 
accommodate you ; they are mine. But 
there is one portrait which you have 
always passed over. 
i54 



The School for Scandal He 

Care, What, that ill-looking little 
fellow over the settee. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, sir, I mean that; 
though I don't think him so ill-looking 
a little fellow, by any means. 122 

Chas. Surf. What, that ? Oh ; that 's 
my uncle Oliver ! 'twas done before he 
went to India. 

Care. Your uncle Oliver ! Gad, 
then you '11 never be friends, Charles. 
That, now, to me, is as stern a looking 
rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving 
eye, and a damned disinheriting coun- 
tenance! an inveterate knave, depend 
on 't. Don't you think so, little 
Premium ? i 130 

Sir Oliv. Upon my soul, sir, I do 
not; I think it is as honest a looking 
face as any in the room, dead or alive. 
But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with 
the rest of the lumber ? 

Chas. Surf. No, hang it ! I '11 not 
i55 



#S The School for Scandal 

part with poor Noll. The old fellow 
has been very good to me, and, egad, 
I '11 keep his picture while I 've a 
room to put it in. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside'] The rogue 's my 
nephew after all ! — [Aloud] But, sir, 
I have somehow taken a fancy to that 
picture. 141 

Chas. Surf. I 'm sorry for 't, for 
you certainly will not have it. Oons, 
have n't you got enough of them ? 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] I forgive him 
everything ! — [Aloud] But, sir, when 
I take a whim in my head, I don't 
value money. I '11 give you as much 
for that as for all the rest. 

Chas. Surf. Don't tease me, master 
broker ; I tell you I '11 not part with 
it, and there 's an end of it. 151 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] How like his 
father the dog is ! — [Aloud] Well, 
well, I have done. — [4 side] I did not 
156 



The School for Scandal ?# 

perceive it before, but I think I never 
saw such a striking resemblance. — 
[Aloud] Here is a draft for your 
sum. 

Chas. Surf. Why, 'tis for eight hun- 
dred pounds. 

Sir Oliv. You will not let Sir Oliver 
go? 

Chas. Surf. Zounds ! no ! I tell you 
once more. 159 

Sir Oliv. Then never mind the dif- 
ference, we '11 balance that another 
time. But give me your hand on the 
bargain ; you are an honest fellow, 
Charles — I beg pardon, sir, for being 
so free. — Come, Moses. 

Chas. Surf Egad, this is a whim- 
sical old fellow ! — But hark 'ee, Pre- 
mium, you '11 prepare lodgings for these 
gentlemen. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, I '11 send for 
them in a day or two. 
*57 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Chas. Surf. But hold ; do now 
send a genteel conveyance for them, 
for, I assure you, they were most 
of them used to ride in their own 
carriages. 172 

Sir Oliv. I will, I will — for all but 
Oliver. 

Chas. Surf. Ay, all but the little 
nabob. 

Sir Oliv. You ? re fixed on that ? 

Chas. Surf. Peremptorily. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] A dear extrava- 
gant rogue ! — [Aloud'] Good day ! — 
Come, Moses. — [Aside] Let me hear 
now who dares call him profligate. 

[Exit with Moses. 

Care. Why, this is the oddest genius 
of the sort I ever met with ! 182 

Chas. Surf. Egad, he 's the prince 

of brokers, I think. I wonder how the 

devil Moses got acquainted with so 

honest a fellow. — Ha ! here ? s Eowley. 

158 



The School for Scandal H£ 

— Do, Careless, say I '11 join the com- 
pany in a few moments. 

Care. I will — but don't let that 
old blockhead persuade you to squander 
any of that money on old musty debts, 
or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, 
Charles, are the most exorbitant fel- 
lows. 192 

Chas. Surf. Very true, and paying 
them is only encouraging them. 

Care. Nothing else. 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, never fear. — 
[Exit Careless] So! this was an odd 
old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two- 
thirds of these five hundred and thirty 
odd pounds are mine by right. 'Fore 
heaven! I find one's ancestors are 
more valuable relations than I took 
them for ! — Ladies and gentlemen, 
your most obedient and very grateful 
servant. 203 

[Bows ceremoniously to the pictures. 
159 



<SH The School for Scandal 



Enter Rowley. 

Ha! old Kowley ! egad, you are just 
come in time to take leave of your old 
acquaintance. 

Bow. Yes, I heard they were a 
going. But I wonder you can have 
such spirits under so many distresses. 

Chas. Surf. Why, there ? s the point ! 
my distresses are so many, that I can't 
afford to part with my spirits ; but I 
shall be rich and splenetic, all in good 
time. However, I suppose you are sur- 
prised that I am not more sorrowful at 
parting with so many near relations; 
to be sure, 'tis very affecting, but you 
see they never move a muscle, so why 
should I ? 216 

Bow. There 's no making you seri- 
ous a moment. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, faith, I am so now. 
Here, my honest Eowley, here, get me 
1 60 






The School for Scandal H£ 

this changed directly, and take a hun- 
dred pounds of it immediately to old 
Stanley. . 221 

Row. A hundred pounds! Con- 
sider only 

Chas. Surf. Gad's life, don't talk 
about it! poor Stanley's wants are 
pressing, and, if you don't make haste, 
we shall have some one call that has a 
better right to the money. 

Row. Ah! there 's the point! I 
never will cease dunning you with the 
old proverb 

Chas. Surf. Be just before you We 
generous. — Why, so I would if I could ; 
but Justice is an old, hobbling beldame, 
and I can't get her to keep pace with 
Generosity, for the soul of me. 233 

Row. Yet, Charles, believe me, one 
hour's reflection 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, it 's very true - 
but, hark 'ee, Rowley, while I have, by 
161 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Heaven I '11 give ; so, damn your econ- 
omy ! and now for hazard. [Exeunt. 



Scene II. 
Another Boom in the same. 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Moses. 

Mos. Well, sir, I think, as Sir Peter 
said, you have seen Mr. Charles in high 
glory ; 'tis great pity he ? s so extrava- 
gant. 

Sir Oliv. True, but he would not 
sell my picture. 

Mos. And loves wine and women so 
much. 

Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my 
picture. 

Mos. And games so deep. 

Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my 
picture. Oh, here 's Rowley. 
162 






The School for Scandal Hr 



Enter Rowley. 

Row. So, Sir Oliver, I find you have 
made a purchase ll 

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, our young rake 
has parted with his ancestors like old 
tapestry. 

Row. And here has he commissioned 
me to re-deliver you part of the pur- 
chase money — I mean, though, in your 
necessitous character of old Stanley. 

Mos. Ah! there is the pity of all; 
he is so damned charitable. 19 

Row. And I left a hosier and two 
tailors in the hall, who, I 'm sure won't 
be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 
them. 

Sir Oliv. Well, well, I '11 pay his 
debts, and his benevolence, too. But 
now I am no more a broker, and you 
shall introduce me to the elder brother 
as old Stanley. 

163 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Row. Not yet awhile ; Sir Peter, I 
know, means to call there about this 
time. 

Enter Trip. 

Trip. Oh, gentlemen, I beg pardon 
for not showing you out ; this way — 
Moses, a word. [Exit with Moses. 30 

Sir Oliv. There 's a fellow for you ! 
Would you believe it, that puppy in- 
tercepted the Jew on our coming, and 
wanted to raise money before he got to 
his master ! 

Bow. Indeed ! 

Sir Oliv. Yes, they are now planning 
an annuity business. Ah, Master Eow- 
ley, in my days servants were content 
with the follies of their masters, when 
they were worn a little threadbare ; but 
now they have their vices, like their 
birthday clothes, with the gloss on. 41 

[Exeunt. 
164 



The School for Scandal S# 

Scene III. 
A Library in Joseph Surface's House. 

Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. 

Jos. Surf. No letter from Lady- 
Teazle ? 

Ser. No, sir. 

Jos. Surf. [Aside] I am surprised 
she has not sent, if she is prevented 
from coming. Sir Peter certainly does 
not suspect me. Yet I wish I may not 
lose the heiress, through the scrape I 
have drawn myself into with the wife ; 
however, Charles's imprudence and bad 
character are great points in my favour. 
[Knocking without 

Ser. Sir, I believe that must be 
Lady Teazle. 10 

Jos. Surf Hold ! See whether it is 
or not, before you go to the door: I 
165 



-SH The School for Scandal 

have a particular message for you if it 
should be my brother. 

Ser. "lis her ladyship, sir; she al- 
ways leaves her chair at the milliner's 
in the next street. 

Jos. Surf. Stay, stay; draw that 
screen before the window — that will do ; 
— my opposite neighbour is a maiden 
lady of so curious a temper. — [Servant 
draws the screen, and exii\ I have a diffi- 
cult hand to play in this affair. Lady 
Teazle has lately suspected my views 
on Maria; but she must by no means 
be let into that secret, — at least, till I 
have her more in my power. 24 

Enter Lady Teazle. 

Lady Teaz. What, sentiment in 
soliloquy now? Have you been very 
impatient? Lud ! don't pretend to 
look grave. I vow I could n't come 
before. 

166 






The School for Scandal Hr 

Jos. Surf. madam, punctuality is 
a species of constancy very unfashion- 
able in a lady of quality. 31 
[Places chairs, and sits after 
Lady Teazle is seated. 

Lady Teaz. Upon my word, you 
ought to pity me. Do you know Sir 
Peter is grown so ill-natured to me of 
late, and so jealous of Charles too — 
that ? s the best of the story, isn't it? 

Jos. Surf I am glad my scandalous 
friends keep that up. [Aside. 

Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish he 
would let Maria marry him, and then 
perhaps he would be convinced ; don't 
you, Mr. Surface ? 40 

Jos. Surf. [Aside] Indeed I do not. 
— [Aloud] Oh, certainly I do! for then 
my dear Lady Teazle would also be 
convinced how wrong her suspicions 
were of my having any design on the 
silly girl. 

167 






The School for Scandal 



Lady Teaz. Well, well, I 'm inclined 
to believe you. But is n't it provoking 
to have the most ill-natured things said 
of one? And there 's my friend Lady 
Sneerwell has circulated I don't know 
how many scandalous tales of me, and 
all without any foundation too ; that ? s 
what vexes me. 52 

Jos. Surf. Ay, madam, to be sure, 
that is the provoking circumstance — 
without foundation; yes, yes, there 's 
the mortification, indeed; for when a 
scandalous story is believed against 
one, there certainly is no comfort like 
the consciousness of having deserved it. 

Lady Teaz. No, to be sure, then I 'd 
forgive their malice ; but to attack me, 
who am really so innocent, and who 
never say an ill-natured thing of any- 
body — that is, of any friend ; and then 
Sir Peter, too, to have him so peevish 
and so suspicious, when I know the 
1 68 



The School for Scandal Hr 

integrity of my own heart — indeed 
'tis monstrous! 65 

Jos. Surf. But, my dear Lady 
Teazle, 'tis your own fault if you 
suffer it. When a husband entertains 
a groundless suspicion of his wife, and 
withdraws his confidence from her, 
the original compact is broken, and 
she owes it to the honour of her sex 
to endeavour to outwit him. 72 

Lady Teaz. Indeed ! So that, if he 
suspects me without cause, it follows 
that the best way of curing his jealousy 
is to give him reason for ? t ? 

Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly — for your 
husband should never be deceived in 
you : and in that case it becomes you 
to be frail in compliment to his dis- 
cernment. 79 

Lady Teaz. To be sure, what you 
say is very reasonable, and when the 

consciousness of my innocence 

169 



#* The School for Scandal 

Jos. Surf. Ah, my dear madam, 
there is the great mistake! 'tis this 
very conscious innocence that is of the 
greatest prejudice to you. What is it 
makes you negligent of forms, and care- 
less of the world's opinion? why, the 
consciousness of your own innocence. 
What makes you thoughtless in your 
conduct, and apt to run into a thousand 
little imprudences ? why, the conscious- 
ness of your own innocence. What 
makes you impatient of Sir Peter's 
temper, and outrageous at his suspi- 
cions ? why, the consciousness of your 
innocence. * 94 

Lady Teaz. 'Tis very true ! 

Jos. Surf. Now, my dear Lady 
Teazle, if you would but once make 
a trifling faux pas, you can't conceive 
how cautious you would grow, and how 
ready to humour and agree with your 
husband. 100 

170 



The School for Scandal H£ 



Lady Teaz. Do you think so ? 

Jos. Surf. Oh, I am sure on 't ; and 
then you would find all scandal would 
cease at once, for — in short, your char- 
acter at present is like a person in a 
plethora, absolutely dying from too 
much health. 

Lady Teaz. So, so; then I perceive 
your prescription is, that I must sin 
in my own defence, and part with my 
virtue to preserve my reputation ? 

Jos. Surf. Exactly so, upon my 
credit, ma'am. no 

Lady Teaz. Well, certainly this is 
the oddest doctrine, and the newest 
receipt for avoiding calumny! 

Jos. Surf. An infallible one, believe 
me. Prudence, like experience, must 
be paid for. 

Lady Teaz. Why, if my understand- 
ing were once convinced 

Jos. Surf Oh, certainly, madam, 
171 



#4 The School for Scandal 

your understanding should be con- 
vinced. Yes, yes — Heaven forbid I 
should persuade you to do anything 
you thought wrong. No, no, I have too 
much honour to desire it. 122 

Lady Teaz. Don't you think we 
may as well leave honour out of the 
argument ? [Rises. 

Jos. Surf. Mi, the ill effects of your 
country education, I see, still remain 
with you. 

Lady Teaz. I doubt they do indeed ; 
and I will fairly own to you, that if 
I could be persuaded to do wrong, it 
would be by Sir Peter's ill usage sooner 
than your honourable logic, after all. 

Jos. Surf. Then, by this hand, which 
he is unworthy of [ Taking her hand. 

Re-enter Servant. 

'Sdeath, you blockhead — what do you 

want ? 133 

172 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Ser. I beg your pardon, sir, but I 
thought you would not choose Sir Peter 
to come up without announcing him. 

Jos. Surf. Sir Peter ! — Oons — the 
devil ! 

Lady Teaz. Sir Peter ! Lud ! I 'm 
ruined ! I 'm ruined ! 140 

Ser. Sir, 'twas n't I let him in. 

Lady Teaz. Oh ! I 'in quite undone ! 
What will become of me ? Now, Mr. 
Logic — Oh ! mercy, sir, he 's on the 
stairs — I '11 get behind here — and if 

ever I 'm so imprudent again 

[Goes behind the screen. 

Jos. Surf. Give me that book. 

[Sits down. Servant pretends 
to adjust his chair. 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Sir Pet. Ay, ever improving himself 

— Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface 149 

[Pats Joseph on the shoulder. 
X73 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Jos. Surf. Oh, my dear Sir Peter, 
I beg your pardon. — [Gaping, throws 
away the book] I have been dozing over 
a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged 
to you for this call. You have n't been 
here, I believe, since I fitted up this 
room. Books, you know, are the only 
things I am a coxcomb in. 

Sir. Pet. 'Tis very neat indeed. 
Well, well, that 's proper; and you 
can make even your screen a source 
of knowledge — hung, I perceive, with 
maps. 160 

Jos. Surf. Oh, yes, I find great use 
in that screen. 

Sir Pet. I dare say you must, cer- 
tainly, when you want to find anything 
in a hurry. 

Jos. Surf. Ay, or to hide anything 
in a hurry either. [Aside. 

Sir Pet. Well, I have a little private 

business 

i74 



The School for Scandal Hr 

Jos. Surf. You need not stay. 

[To Servant. 

Ser. No, sir. [Exit. 

Jos. Surf. Here ? s a chair, Sir Peter 
— I beg 170 

Sir Pet. Well, now we are alone, 
there is a subject, my dear friend, on 
which I wish to unburden my mind to 
you — a point of the greatest moment 
to my peace ; in short, my good friend, 
Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made 
me very unhappy. 

Jos. Surf. Indeed ! I am very sorry 
to hear it. 

Sir Pet "Tis but too plain she has 
not the least regard for me ; but, what 's 
worse, I have pretty good authority to 
suppose she has formed an attachment 
to another. 181 

Jos. Surf Indeed ! you astonish me ! 

Sir Pet. Yes ! and, between ourselves, 
I think I ? ve discovered the person. 
i75 



#£ The School for Scandal 

Jos. Surf. How! you alarm me 
exceedingly. 

Sir Pet. Ay, my dear friend, I knew 
you would sympathise with me ! 

Jos. Su?]f. Yes, believe me, Sir 
Peter, such a discovery would hurt 
me just as much as it would you. 190 

Sir Pet. I am convinced of it. Ah ! 
it is a happiness to have a friend whom 
we can trust even with one's family 
secrets. But have you no guess who 
I mean? 

Jos. Surf. I have n't the most dis- 
tant idea. It can't be Sir Benjamin 
Backbite ! 

Sir Pet. Oh, no ! What say you to 
Charles ? 197 

Jos. Surf My brother ! impossible ! 

Sir Pet. Oh, my dear friend, the 
goodness of your own heart misleads 
you. You judge of others by yourself. 

Jos. Surf Certainly, Sir Peter, the 
176 



The School for Scandal f# 

heart that is conscious of its own integ- 
rity is ever slow to credit another's 
treachery. 

Sir Pet. True; but your brother 
has no sentiment — you never hear him 
talk so. 

Jos. Surf. Yet I can't but think Lady 
Teazle herself has too much principle. 

Sir Pet. Ay ; but what is principle 
against the flattery of a handsome, 
lively young fellow ? 210 

Jos. Surf. That ? s very true. 

Sir Pet. And then, you know, the 
difference of our ages makes it very 
improbable that she should have any 
great affection for me ; and if she were 
to be frail, and I were to make it 
public, why, the town would only laugh 
at me, the foolish old bachelor, who had 
married a girl. 

Jos. Surf. That 's true, to be sure 
— they would laugh. 220 

177 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Sir Pet Laugh ! ay, and make bal- 
lads, and paragraphs, and the devil 
knows what of me. 

Jos. Surf. No, you must never make 
it public. 

Sir Pet But then again — that the 
nephew of my old friend, Sir Oliver, 
should be the person to attempt such 
a wrong, hurts me more nearly. 

Jos. Surf. Ay, there ; s the point. 
When ingratitude barbs the dart of 
injury, the wound has double danger 
in it. 229 

Sir Pet Ay — I, that was, in a 
manner, left his guardian; in whose 
house he had been so often entertained ; 
who never in my life denied him — my 
advice ! 

Jos. Surf. Oh, 'tis not to be cred- 
ited ! There may be a man capable of 
such baseness, to be sure ; but, for my 
part, till you can give me positive 
178 



The School for Scandal Hi- 
proofs, I cannot but doubt it. How- 
ever, if it should be proved on him, he 
is no longer a brother of mine — I dis- 
claim kindred with him: for the man 
who can break the laws of hospitality, 
and tempt the wife of his friend, de- 
serves to be branded as the pest of 
society. 242 

Sir Pet. What a difference there 
is between you ! What noble senti- 
ments ! 

Jos. Surf. Yet I cannot suspect 
Lady Teazle's honour. 

Sir Pet. I am sure I wish to think 
well of her, and to remove all ground 
of quarrel between us. She has lately 
reproached me more than once with 
having made no settlement on her; 
and, in our last quarrel, she almost 
hinted that she should not break her 
heart if I was dead. Now, as we seem 
to differ in our ideas of expense, I have 
179 



#4 The School for Scandal 

resolved she shall have her own way, 
and be her own mistress in that respect 
for the future; and, if I were to die, 
she will find I have not been inatten- 
tive to her interest while living. Here, 
my friend, are the drafts of two deeds, 
which I wish to have your opinion on. 
By one, she will enjoy eight hundred a 
year independent while I live ; and, by 
the other, the bulk of my fortune at 
my death. 262 

Jos. Surf. This conduct, Sir Peter, is 
indeed truly generous. — [\4szete] I wish 
it may not corrupt my pupil. 

Sir Pet Yes, I am determined she 
shall have no cause to complain, though 
I would not have her acquainted with 
the latter instance of my affection yet 
awhile. 269 

Jos. Surf. Nor I, if I could help it. 

[Aside. 

Sir Pet. And now, my dear friend, 
i So 



The School for Scandal H£ 

if you please, we will talk over the sit- 
uation of your hopes with. Maria. 

Jos. Surf. [Softly] Oh, no, Sir Peter ; 
another time, if you please. 

Sir Pet. I am sensibly chagrined at 
the little progress you seem to make in 
her affections. 

Jos. Surf. [Softly] I beg you will 
not mention it. What are my disap- 
pointments when your happiness is in 
debate ! — [^tsitfe] 'Sdeath, I shall be 
ruined every way! 281 

Sir Pet. And though you are averse 
to my acquainting Lady Teazle with 
your passion, I 'm sure she 's not your 
enemy in the affair. 

Jos. Surf Pray, Sir Peter, now oblige 
me. I am really too much affected by 
the subject we have been speaking of to 
bestow a thought on my own concerns. 
The man who is entrusted with his 

friend's distresses can never 

181 



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Re-enter Servant. 

Well, sir? 290 

Ser. Your brother, sir, is speaking 
to a gentleman in the street, and says 
he knows you are within. 

Jos. Surf. 'Sdeath, blockhead, I ? m 
not within — I 'm out for the day. 

Sir Pet Stay — hold — a thought 
has struck me : — you shall be at home. 

Jos. Surf. Well, well, let him come 
up. — [Exit Servant] He ? 11 interrupt Sir 
Peter, however. [Aside. 299 

Sir Pet Now, my good friend, 
oblige me, I entreat you. Before 
Charles comes, let me conceal myself 
somewhere, then do you tax him on 
the point we have been talking, and hi 
answer may satisfy me at once. 

Jos. Surf. Oh, fie, Sir Peter ! would 

you have me join in so mean a trick? 

— to trepan my brother too ? 

182 



s 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Sir Pet Nay, you tell me you are 
sure lie is innocent ; if so, you do him 
the greatest service by giving him an 
opportunity to clear himself, and you 
will set my heart at rest. Come, you 
shall not refuse me : [Going up] here, 
behind the screen will be — Hey ! what 
the devil ! there seems to be one listener 
here already — I ? 11 swear I saw a pet- 
ticoat ! 

Jos. Surf. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, this 
is ridiculous enough. I ; 11 tell you, 
Sir Peter, though I hold a man of in- 
trigue to be a most despicable char- 
acter, yet, you know, it does not follow 
that one is to be an absolute Joseph 
either! Hark ? ee, 'tis a little French 
milliner, a silly rogue that plagues me ! 
and having some character to lose, on 
your coming, sir, she ran behind the 
screen. 324 

Sir Pet Ah, Joseph ! Joseph ! Did 
rt3 



-JH The School for Scandal 

I ever think that you But, egad, 

she has overheard all I have been say- 
ing of my wife. 

Jos. Surf. Oh, 'twill never go any 
farther, you may depend upon it ! 

Sir Pet. No ! then, faith, let her 
hear it out. — Here 's a closet will do 
as well. 331 

Jos. Surf. Well, go in there. 

Sir Pet. Sly rogue ! sly rogue ! 

[Goes into the closet. 

Jos. Surf. A narrow escape indeed ! 
and a curious situation I ? m in, to part 
man and wife in this manner. 

Lady Teaz. [Peeping] Could n't I 
steal off? 

Jos. Surf Keep close, my angel ! 

Sir Pet. [Peeping] Joseph, tax him 
home. 

Jos. Surf. Back, my dear friend ! 340 

Lady Teaz. [Peeping'] Could n't you 
lock Sir Peter in ? 

184 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Jos. Surf. Be still, my life ! 

Sir Pet. \_Peeping~] You 're sure the 
little milliner won't blab ? 

Jos. Surf. In, in, my dear Sir Peter ! 
— 'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the 
door. 

Enter Charles Surface. 

Chas. Surf. Holla! brother, what 
has been the matter? Your fellow 
would not let me up at first. What! 
have you had a Jew or a wench with 
you ? 350 

Jos. Surf Neither, brother, I assure 
you. 

Chas. Surf. But what has made Sir 
Peter steal off ? I thought he had been 
with you. 

Jos. Surf He was, brother; but, 
hearing you were coming, he did not 
choose to stay. 

Chas. Surf What ! was the old gen- 
185 



#4 The School for Scandal 

tleman afraid I wanted to borrow money 
of him ? 

Jos. Surf. No, sir: but I am sorry 
to find, Charles, you have lately given 
that worthy man grounds for great 
uneasiness. 360 

Chas. Surf. Yes, they tell me I do 
that to a great many worthy men. But 
how so, pray ? 

Jos. Surf To be plain with you, 
brother, he thinks you are endeavour- 
ing to gain Lady Teazle's affections 
from him. 

Chas. Surf. Who, I ? Lud ! not 
I, upon my word. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
so the old fellow has found out that he 
has got a young wife, has he? — or, 
what is worse, Lady Teazle has found 
out she has an old husband ? 370 

Jos. Surf. This is no subject to jest 
on, brother. He who can laugh 

Chas. Surf True, true, as you were 
186 



The School for Scandal H£ 

going to say — then, seriously, I never 
had the least idea of what you charge 
me with, upon my honour. 

Jos. Surf. Well, it will give Sir 
Peter great satisfaction to hear this. 

[Raising his voice. 

Chas. Surf. To be sure, I once 
thought the lady seemed to have taken 
a fancy to me; but, upon my soul, I 
never gave her the least encouragement. 
Besides, you know my attachment to 
Maria. 382 

Jos. Surf But sure, brother, even if 
Lady Teazle had betrayed the fondest 
partiality for you 

Chas. Surf Why, look 'ee, Joseph, 
I hope I shall never deliberately do a 
dishonourable action; but if a pretty 
woman was purposely to throw herself 
in my way — and that pretty woman 
married to a man old enough to be her 

father 390 

187 



## The School for Scandal 

Jos. Surf. Well! 

Chas. Surf. Why, I believe I should 
be obliged to 

Jos. Surf. What? 

Chas. Surf. To borrow a little of 
your morality, that 's all. But, brother, 
do you know now that you surprise me 
exceedingly, by naming me with Lady 
Teazle; for, i' faith, I always under- 
stood you were her favourite. 

Jos. Surf. Oh, for shame, Charles! 
This retort is foolish. 401 

Chas. Surf. Nay, I swear I have 
seen you exchange such significant 
glances 

Jos. Surf. Nay, nay, sir, this is no jest. 

Chas. Surf Egad, I 'm serious! 
Don't you remember one day, when I 
called here 

Jos. Surf. Nay, pr'ythee, Charles 

Chas. Surf. And found you to- 
gether 

188 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir, I insist 

Chas. Surf. And another time when 
your servant 411 

Jos. Surf. Brother, brother, a word 
with you! — [ylsi'de] Gad, I must stop 
him. 

Chas. Surf. Informed, I say, that 



Jos. Surf Hush! I beg your par- 
don, but Sir Peter has overheard all we 
have been saying. I knew you would 
clear yourself, or I should not have 
consented. 

Chas. Surf. How, Sir Peter ! Where 
is he? 

Jos. Surf. Softly, there ! 420 

[Points to the closet. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, 'fore Heaven, I '11 
have him out. Sir Peter, come forth ! 

Jos Surf. No, no 

Chas. Surf. I say, Sir Peter, come 
into court. — [Pulls in Sir Peter] What ! 
189 



#4 The School for Scandal 

my old guardian ! — What ! turn in- 
quisitor, and take evidence incog. ? 
Oh, fie ! Oh, fie ! 

Sir Pet Give me your hand, Charles 
— I believe I have ' suspected you 
wrongfully ; but you must n't be angry 
with Joseph — 'twas my plan ! 430 

Chas. Surf. Indeed ! 

Sir Pet But I acquit you. I promise 
you I don't think near so ill of you as 
I did : what I have heard has given me 
great satisfaction. 

Chas. Surf. Egad, then, 'twas lucky 
you did n't hear any more. Was n't it, 
Joseph ? 

Sir. Pet Ah! you would have re- 
torted on him. 

Chas. Surf. Ah, ay, that was a 
joke. 

Sir Pet Yes, yes, I know his honour 
too well. 439 

Chas. Surf. But you might as well 
190 



The School for Scandal Hr 

have suspected him as me in this 
matter, for all that. Might n't he, 
Joseph ? 

Sir Pet. Well, well, I believe you. 

Jos. Surf. Would they were both 
out of the room ! [Aside. 

Sir Pet. And in future, perhaps, we 
may not be such strangers. 

Re-enter Servant, and ivhispers Joseph 
Surface. 

Ser. Lady Sneerwell is below, and 
says she will come up. 448 

Jos. Surf. Lady Sneerwell ! Gad's 
life! she must not come here. [Exit 
Servant"] Gentlemen, I beg pardon — I 
must wait on you down-stairs : here is 
a person come on particular business. 

Chas. Surf. Well, you can see him 
in another room. Sir Peter and I have 
not met a long time, and I have some- 
thing to say to him. 
191 






The School for Scandal 



Jos Surf. [Aside] They must not be 
left together. — [Aloud] I '11 send Lady 
Sneerwell away, and return directly. — 
[Aside to Sir Peter] Sir Peter, not a 
word of the French milliner. 459 

Sir Pet. [Aside to Joseph Surface] I! 
not for the world ! — [Exit Joseph Surface] 
Ah, Charles, if you associated more 
with your brother, one might indeed 
hope for your reformation. He is a 
man of sentiment. Well, there is noth- 
ing in the world so noble as a man of 
sentiment. 

Chas. Surf Psha! he is too moral 
by half; and so apprehensive of his 
good name, as he calls it, that I suppose 
he would as soon let a priest into his 
house as a wench. 469 

Sir Pet No, no, — come, come, — 

you wrong him. No, no ! Joseph is no 

rake, but he is no such saint either, in 

that respect. — [^siete] I have a great 

192 



The School for Scandal H£ 

mind to tell him — we should have such 
a laugh at Joseph. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, hang him ! he ? s a 
very anchorite, a young hermit ! 

Sir Pet. Hark 'ee — you must not 
abuse him : he may chance to hear of 
it again, I promise you. 

Chas. Surf. Why, you won't tell 
him ? 479 

Sir Pet. No — but — this way. — 
[Aside] Egad, I '11 tell him. — [Aloud] 
Hark 'ee — have you a mind to have a 
good laugh at Joseph ? 

Chas. Surf I should like it of all 
things. 

Sir Pet. Then, i' faith, we will ! I '11 
be quit with him for discovering me. 
He had a girl with him when I called. 

[Whispers. 

Chas. Surf What! Joseph? you 
jest. 

Sir Pet Hush! — a little French 
!93 



#4 The School for Scandal 

milliner — and the best of the jest is — 
she 's in the room now. 

Chas. Surf. The devil she is ! 490 

Sir Pet. Hush ! I tell you. 

[Points to the screen. 

Chas. Surf. Behind the screen! 
'Slife, let ; s unveil her! 

Sir Pet. JSTo, no, he 's coming : — 
you sha'n't, indeed ! 

Chas. Surf Oh, egad, we ? 11 have a 
peep at the little milliner ! 

Sir Pet. Not for the world ! — Joseph 
will never forgive me. 

Chas. Surf I >11 stand by you 

Sir Pet. Odds, here he is ! 500 

[Charles Surface throws down the screen. 

Re-enter Joseph Surface. 

Chas. Surf Lady Teazle, by all 
that ? s wonderful. 

Sir Pet. Lady Teazle, by all that ? s 
damnable ! 

i 9 4 






The School for Scandal Hr 

Chas. Surf. Sir Peter, this is one of 
the smartest French milliners I ever 
saw. Egad, you seem all to have been 
diverting yourselves here at hide and 
seek, and I don't see who is out of the 
secret. Shall I beg your ladyship to 
inform me ? Not a word ! — Brother, 
will you be pleased to explain this 
matter ? What ! is Morality dumb too ? 
— Sir Peter, though I found you in the 
dark, perhaps you are not so now ! All 
mute ! — Well — though I can make 
nothing of the affair, I suppose you 
perfectly understand one another; so 
I ? 11 leave you to yourselves. [Going] 
Brother, I J m sorry to find you have 
given that worthy man grounds for so 
much uneasiness. — Sir Peter ! there ? s 
nothing in the world so noble as a man 
of sentiment ! [Exit 519 

Jos. Surf. Sir Peter — notwithstand- 
ing — I confess — that appearances are 
i95 



3H The School for Scandal 

against me — if you will afford me 
your patience — I make no doubt — 
but I shall explain everything to your 
satisfaction. 

Sir Pet If you please, sir. 

Jos, Surf. The fact is, sir, that Lady 
Teazle, knowing my pretensions to your 
ward Maria — I say, sir, Lady Teazle, 
being apprehensive of the jealousy of 
your temper — and knowing my friend- 
ship to the family — r she, sir, I say — 
called here — in order that — I might 
explain these pretensions — but on your 
coming — being apprehensive — as I 
said — of your jealousy — she withdrew 
— and this, you may depend on it, is 
the whole truth of the matter. 535 

Sir Pet A very clear account, upon 
my word ; and I dare swear the lady 
will vouch for every article of it. 

Lady Teaz. For not one word of it, 
Sir Peter ! 

196 



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Sir Pet How ! don't you think it 
worth while to agree in the lie ? 541 

Lady Teaz. There is not one syllable 
of truth in what that gentleman has 
told yon. 

Sir Pet I believe you, upon my soul, 
ma'am ! 

Jos. Surf. [Aside to Lady Teazle] 
'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me ? 

Lady Teaz. Good Mr. Hypocrite, by 
your leave, I '11 speak for myself. 

Sir Pet Ay, let her alone, sir ; you '11 
find she '11 make out a better story than 
you, without prompting. 551 

Lady Teaz. Hear me, Sir Peter ! — 
I came here on no matter relating to 
your ward, and even ignorant of this 
gentleman's pretensions to her. But I 
came, seduced by his insidious argu- 
ments, at least to listen to his pretended 
passion, if not to sacrifice your honour 
to his baseness. 

197 



#? The School for Scandal 

Sir Pet. Now, I believe, the truth is 
coming, indeed! 

Jos. Surf. The woman 's mad ! 560 
Lady Teaz. No, sir ; she has recovered 
her senses, and your own arts have 
furnished her with the means. — Sir 
Peter, I do not expect you to credit me 
— but the tenderness you expressed for 
me, when I am sure you could not think 
I was a witness to it, has so penetrated 
to my heart, that had I left the place 
without the shame of this discovery, 
my future life should have spoken 
the sincerity of my gratitude. As for 
that smooth-tongued hypocrite, who 
would have seduced the wife of his 
too credulous friend, while he affected 
honourable addresses to his ward — I 
behold him now in a light so truly 
despicable, that I shall never again 
respect myself for having listened to 
him. \Exit. 575 

198 



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Jos. Surf. Notwithstanding all this, 
Sir Peter, Heaven knows 

Sir Pet. That you are a villain! 
and so I leave you to your conscience. 

Jos. Surf. You are too rash, Sir 
Peter; you shall hear me. The man 
who shuts out conviction by refusing 

to 582 

Sir Pet. Oh, damn your sentiments ! 
\_Exeunt Sir Peter and Joseph 
Surface, talking. 



199 



iH The School for Scandal 

ACT FIFTH. 

Scene I. 
The Library in Joseph Surface's House. 

Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. 

Jos. Surf. Mr. Stanley! and why- 
should you think I would see him ? you 
must know he comes to ask something. 

Ser. Sir, I should not have let him 
in, but that Mr. Eowley came to the 
door with him. 

Jos. Surf Psha ! blockhead ! to sup- 
pose that I should now be in a temper 
to receive visits from poor relations ! — 
Well, why don't you show the fellow 
up?/ 

Ser. I will, sir. — Why, sir, it was 
not my fault that Sir Peter discovered 

my lady 11 

200 



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Jos. Surf. Go, fool ! — [Exit Servant] 
Sure Fortune never played a man of 
my policy such a trick before! My 
character with Sir Peter, my hopes 
with Maria, destroyed in a moment! 
I 'm in a rare humour to listen to 
other people's distresses! I sha'n't 
be able to bestow even a benevolent 
sentiment on Stanley. — So ! here he 
comes, and Rowley with him. I must 
try to recover myself, and put a little 
charity into my face, however. [Exit. 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface and 
Rowley. 

Sir Oliv. What ! does he avoid us ? 
That was he, was it not ? 23 

Row. It was, sir. But I doubt you 
are come a little too abruptly. His 
nerves are so weak, that the sight of 
a poor relation may be too much for 



#4 The School for Scandal 

him. I should have gone first to break 
it to him. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, plague of his nerves ! 
Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols 
as a man of the most benevolent way 
of thinking ! 31 

Bow. As to his way of thinking, 
I cannot pretend to decide; for, to 
do him justice, he appears to have 
as much speculative benevolence as 
any private gentleman in the king- 
dom, though he is seldom so sensual 
as to indulge himself in the exercise 
of it. 

Sir Oliv. Yet he has a string of 
charitable sentiments at his fingers' 
ends. 

Bow. Or, rather, at his tongue's 
end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there 
is no sentiment he has such faith in 
as that Charity begins at home. 42 

Sir Oliv. And his, I presume, is of 






The School for Scandal H£ 

that domestic sort which never stirs 
abroad at all. 

Bow. I doubt you '11 find it so ; but 
he 's coming. I must n't seem to inter- 
rupt you; and you know, immediately 
as you leave him, I come in to announce 
your arrival in your real character. 

Sir Oliv. True; and afterwards 
you '11 meet me at Sir Peter's. 50 

Bow. Without losing a moment. 

[Exit. 

Sir Oliv. I don't like the complai- 
sance of his features. 

Re-enter Joseph Surface. 

Jos. Surf. Sir, I beg you ten thou- 
sand pardons for keeping you a moment 
waiting. — Mr. Stanley, I presume. 

Sir Oliv. At your service. 

Jos. Surf. Sir, I beg you will do me 
the honour to sit down — I entreat you, 
sir. 58 

203 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Sir Oliv. Dear sir — there ? s no 
occasion. — [Aside] Too civil by half! 

Jos. Surf. I haxe not the pleasure 
of knowing you, Mr. Stanley ; but I am 
extremely happy to see you look so 
well. You were nearly related to my 
mother, I think, Mr. Stanley ? 

Sir Oliv. I was, sir ; so nearly that 
my present poverty, I fear, may do dis- 
credit to her wealthy children, else I 
should not have presumed to trouble 
you. 68 

Jos. Surf. Dear sir, there needs no 
apology ; — he that is in distress, though 
a stranger, has a right to claim kindred 
with the wealthy. I am sure I wish 
I was one of that class, and had it in 
my power to offer you even a small 
relief. 

Sir. Oliv. If your uncle, Sir Oliver, 
were here, I should have a friend. 

Jos. Surf I wish he was, sir, with 
204 



The School for Scandal Hr 

all my heart : you should not want an 
advocate with him, believe me, sir. 

Sir Oliv. I should not need one — 
my distresses would recommend me. 
But I imagined his bounty would en- 
able you to become the agent of his 
charity. 82 

Jos. Surf. My dear sir, you were 
strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is 
a worthy man, a very worthy man ; but 
avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. 
I will tell you, my good sir, in confi- 
dence, what he has done for me has 
been a mere nothing ; though people, I 
know, have thought otherwise, and for 
my part, I never chose to contradict the 
report. 90 

Sir Oliv. What ! has he never trans- 
mitted you bullion — rupees — pago- 
das? 

Jos. Surf. Oh, dear sir, nothing of 
the kind ! No, no ; a few presents now 
205 



#4 The School for Scanda 



and then — china, shawls, congou tea 
avadavats and Indian crackers — little 
more, believe me. 

Sir Oliv. Here ? s gratitude for twelve 
thousand pounds ! — Avadavats and In- 
dian crackers ! [Aside. 

Jos. Surf. Then, my dear sir, you 
have heard, I doubt not, of the extrav- 
agance of my brother: there are very 
few would credit what I have done for 
that unfortunate young man. 102 

Sir Oliv. Not I, for one! [Aside. 

Jos. Surf. The sums I have lent 
him ! Indeed I have been exceedingly 
to blame ; it was an amiable weakness ; 
however, I don't pretend to defend it 
— and now I feel it doubly culpable, 
since it has deprived me of the pleas- 
ure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my 
heart dictates. 110 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] Dissembler! — 
[Aloud] Then, sir, you can't assist me ? 
206 



The School for Scandal £# 

Jos. Surf. At present, it grieves me 
to say, I cannot ; but, whenever I have 
the ability, you may depend upon hear- 
ing from me. 

Sir Oliv. I am extremely sorry 

Jos. Surf. Not more than I, believe 
me; to pity, without the power to 
relieve, is still more painful than to 
ask and be denied. 

Sir Oliv. Kind sir, your most obe- 
dient humble servant. 121 

Jos. Surf. You leave me deeply 
affected, Mr. Stanley. — William, be 
ready to open the door. 

[Calls to Servant. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, dear sir, no ceremony. 

Jos. Surf Your very obedient. 

Sir Oliv. Your most obsequious. 

Jos. Surf You may depend upon 
hearing from me, whenever I can be 
of service. 

Sir Oliv. Sweet sir, you are too good ! 
207 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Jos. Surf. In the meantime I wish 
you health and spirits. 131 

Sir Oliv. Your ever grateful and 
perpetual humble servant. 

Jos. Surf. Sir, yours as sincerely. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside] Now I am satisfied. 

[Exit. 

Jos. Surf. This is one bad effect of 
a good character ; it invites application 
from the unfortunate, and there needs 
no small degree of address to gain the 
reputation of benevolence without in- 
curring the expense. The silver ore of 
pure charity is an expensive article in 
the catalogue of a man's good qualities ; 
whereas the sentimental French plate 
I use instead of it makes just as good a 
show, and pays no tax. 144 

Re-enter Rowley. 

Bow. Mr. Surface, your servant: I 
was apprehensive of interrupting you, 
208 



The School for Scandal Hr 

though my business demands immedi- 
ate attention, as this note will inform 
you. 

Jos. Surf. Always happy to see Mr. 
Bowley, — a rascal. — [Aside. Reads the 
letter'] Sir Oliver Surface! — My uncle 
arrived ! 151 

Bow. He is, indeed: we have just 
parted — quite well after a speedy 
voyage, and impatient to embrace his 
worthy nephew. 

Jos. Surf. I am astonished ! — Will- 
iam! stop Mr. Stanley, if he ? s not 
gone. 

[Calls to Servant. 

Bow. Oh! he 's out of reach, I 
believe. 

Jos. Surf. Why did you not let me 
know this when you came in together? 

Bow. I thought you had particular 
business. But I must be gone to inform 
your brother, and appoint him here to 
209 



#4 The School for Scandal 

meet your uncle. He will be with you 
in a quarter of an hour. 163 

Jos. Surf. So lie says. Well, I am 
strangely overjoyed at his coming. — 
[J.mfe] Never, to be sure, was anything 
so damned unlucky ! 

Row. You will be delighted to see 
how well he looks. 

Jos. Surf. Oh! I 'm overjoyed to 
hear it. — [^Lsidfe] Just at this time ! 

Row. I '11 tell him how impatiently 
you expect him. 172 

Jos. Surf. Do, do; pray give my 
best duty and affection. Indeed, I 
cannot express the sensations I feel 
at the thought of seeing him. — [Exit 
Rowley'] Certainly his coming just at 
this time is the cruellest piece of ill 
fortune. [Exit. 



2IO 



The School for Scandal H£ 



Scene II. 

A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's 
House. 

Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid. 

Maid. Indeed, ma'am, my lady will 
see nobody at present. 

Mrs. Can. Did you tell her it was 
her friend Mrs. Candour ? 

Maid. Yes, ma'am; but she begs 
you will excuse her. 

Mrs. Can. Do go again; I shall be 
glad to see her, if it be only for a 
moment, for I am sure she must be 
in great distress. — [Exit Maid'] Dear 
heart, how provoking! I 'm not mis- 
tress of half the circumstances! We 
shall have the whole affair in the news- 
papers, with the names of the parties 
at length, before I have dropped the 
story at a dozen houses. 14 



#4 The School for Scandal 



Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite. 

Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have 
heard, I suppose 

Sir Ben. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. 
Surface 

Mrs. Can. And Sir Peter's dis- 
covery 

Sir Ben. Oh, the strangest piece of 
business, to be sure ! 20 

Mrs. Can. Well, I never was so sur- 
prised in my life. I am so sorry for 
all parties, indeed. 

Sir Ben. Now, I don't pity Sir 
Peter at all: he was so extravagantly 
partial to Mr. Surface. 

Mrs. Can. Mr. Surface! Why, 'twas 
with Charles Lady Teazle was de- 
tected. 

Sir Ben. No, no, I tell you : Mr. 
Surface is the gallant. 

Mrs. Can. No such thing ! Charles 



The School for Scandal £fr 

is the man. 'Twas Mr. Surface brought 
Sir Peter on purpose to discover them. 



Sir Ben. 


I tell 


you 


I had 


it from 


one 








32 


Mrs. Can. 


And 


I 


have 


it from 


one 










Sir Ben. 


Who had it from 


one, who 


had it 











Mrs. Can. From one immediately. 
But here comes Lady Sneerwell; per- 
haps she knows the whole affair. 

Enter Lady Sneerwell. 

Lady Sneer. So, my dear Mrs. Can- 
dour, here 's a sad affair of our friend 
Lady Teazle ! 

Mrs. Can. Ay, my dear friend, who 
would have thought 41 

Lady Sneer. Well, there is no trust- 
ing appearances; though, indeed, she 
was always too lively for me. 

Mrs. Can. To be sure, her manners 
213 



#1 The School for Scandal 

were a little too free ; but then she was 
so young ! 

Lady Sneer. And had, indeed, some 
good qualities. 

Mrs. Can. So she had, indeed. But 
have you heard the particulars ? 

Lady Sneer. No; but everybody 
says that Mr. Surface 51 

Sir Ben. Ay, there ; I told you Mr. 
Surface was the man. 

Mrs. Can. No, no : indeed the assig- 
nation was with Charles. 

Lady Sneer. With Charles! You 
alarm me, Mrs. Candour! 

Mrs. Can. Yes, yes; he was the 
lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, 
was only the informer. 60 

Sir Ben. Well, I '11 not dispute with 
you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which 
it may, I hope that Sir Peter's wound 
will not 

Mrs. Can. Sir Peter's wound ! Oh, 
214 



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mercy ! I did n't hear a word of their 
fighting. 

Lady Sneer. Nor I a syllable. 

Sir Ben. No ! what, no mention of 
the duel ? 

Mrs. Can. Not a word. 

Sir Ben. Oh, yes : they fought be- 
fore they left the room. 70 

Lady Sneer. Pray, let us hear. 

Mrs. Can. Ay, do oblige us with the 
duel. 

Sir Ben. Sir, says Sir Peter, im- 
mediately after the discovery, you are 
a most ungrateful fellow. 

Mrs. Can. Ay, to Charles 

Sir Ben. No, no — to Mr. Surface — 
a most ungrateful felloiv ; and, old as I 
am, sir, says he, / insist on immediate 
satisfaction. 78 

Mrs. Can. Ay, that must have been 
to Charles; for 'tis very unlikely Mr. 
Surface should fight in his own house. 
-215 



#4 The School for Scandal 



Sir Ben. Gad's life, ma'am, not at 
all — giving me immediate satisfaction. 
— On this, ma'am, Lady Teazle, see- 
ing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out 
of the room in strong hysterics, and 
Charles after her, calling out for harts- 
horn and water; then, madam, they 
began to fight with swords 

Enter Crabtree. 

Crab. With pistols, nephew, pistols ! 
I have it from undoubted authority. 90 

Mrs. Can. Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it 
is all true ! 

Crab. Too true, indeed, madam, and 
Sir Peter is dangerously wounded 

Sir Ben. By a thrust in segoon 
quite through his left side 

Crab. By a bullet lodged in the 
thorax. 

Mrs. Can. Mercy on me ! Poor Sir 
Peter. 

216 






The School for Scandal H£ 

Crab. Yes, madam ; though Charles 
would have avoided the matter, if he 
could. 100 

Mrs. Can, I told you who it was ; I 
knew Charles was the person. 

Sir Ben. My uncle, I see, knows 
nothing of the matter. 

Crab. But Sir Peter taxed him with 
the basest ingratitude 

Sir Ben. That I told you, you 
know 

Crab. Do, nephew, let me speak ! - — 
and insisted on immediate 

Sir Ben. Just as I said 110 

Crab. Odds life, nephew, allow others 
to know something too ! A pair of pis- 
tols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, 
it seems, had come home the night be- 
fore late from Salthill, where he had 
been to see the Montem with a friend, 
who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, 
the pistols were left charged. 117 

217 



^H The School for Scandal 

Sir Ben. I heard nothing of this. 

Crab. Sir Peter forced Charles to 
take one, and they fired, it seems, 
pretty nearly together. Charles's shot 
took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter's 
missed; but, what is very extraordi- 
nary, the ball struck against a little 
bronze Shakespeare that stood over the 
fireplace, grazed out of the window at 
a right angle, and wounded the post- 
man, who was just coming to the door 
with a double letter from Northampton- 
shire. 

Sir Ben. My uncle's account is more 
circumstantial, I confess ; but I believe 
mine is the true one, for all that. 130 

Lady Sneer. [Aside] I am more in- 
terested in this affair than they imag- 
ine, and must have better information. 

[Exit. 

Sir Ben. Ah ! Lady Sneerwell's alarm 
is very easily accounted for. 
218 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Crab. Yes, yes, they certainly do 
say — but that ? s neither here nor there. 

Mrs. Can. But, pray, where is Sir 
Peter at present ? 139 

Crab. Oh! they brought him home, 
and he is now in the house, though the 
servants are ordered to deny him. 

Mrs. Can. I believe so, and Lady 
Teazle, I suppose, attending him. 

Crab. Yes, yes ; and I saw one of 
the faculty enter just before me. 

Sir Ben. Hey ! who comes here ? 

Crab. Oh, this is he : the physician, 
depend on 't. 

Mrs. Can. Oh, certainly! it must 
be the physician; and now we shall 
know. 150 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface. 

Crab. Well, doctor, what hopes ? 
Mrs. Can. Ay, doctor, how ; s your 
patient ? 

219 



#* The School for Scandal 

Sir Ben. Now, doctor, is n't it a 
wound with a small-sword? 

Crab. A bullet lodged in the thorax, 
for a hundred ! 

Sir Oliv. Doctor! a wound with 
small-sword! and a bullet in the the 
rax! — Oons! are you mad, good pec 
pie? 

Sir Ben. Perhaps, sir, you are not 
a doctor ? 

Sir Oliv. Truly, I am to thank you 
for my degree, if I am. 161 

Crab. Only a friend of Sir Peter's, 
then, I presume. But, sir, you must 
have heard of his accident ? 

Sir Oliv. Not a word ! 

Crab. Not of his being dangerously 
wounded ? 

Sir Oliv. The devil he is ! 

Sir Ben. Eun through the body 

Crab. Shot in the breast - 

Sir Ben. By one Mr. Surface — — 

220 



The School for Scandal H£ 



Crab, Ay, the younger. 170 

.Sir Oliv. Hey! what the plague! 
you seem to differ strangely in your 
accounts: however, you agree that Sir 
Peter is dangerously wounded. 

Sir Ben. Oh, yes, we agree in that. 

Crab. Yes, yes, I believe there can 
be no doubt of that. 

Sir Oliv. Then, upon my word, for 
a person in that situation, he is the 
most imprudent man alive; for here 
he comes, walking as if nothing at all 
was the matter. 180 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come 
in good time, I promise you; for we 
had just given you over! 

Sir Ben. [Aside to Crabtree] Egad, 
uncle, this is the most sudden recov- 
ery! 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Sir Oliv. Why, man! what do you 
out of bed with a small-sword through 
your body, and a bullet lodged in your 
thorax ? 

Sir Pet A small-sword and a bullet ! 

Sir Oliv. Ay ; these gentlemen would 
have killed you without law or physic, 
and wanted to dub me a doctor, to 
make me an accomplice. 192 

Sir Pet Why, what is all this ? 

Sir Ben. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that 
the story of the duei.is not true, and 
are sincerely sorry for your other mis- 
fortune. 

Sir Pet So, so ; all over the town 
already ! [Aside. 

Crab. Though, Sir Peter, you were 
certainly vastly to blame to marry at 
your years. 

Sir Pet Sir, what business is that 
of yours ? 200 

Mrs. Can. Though, indeed, as Sir 



The School for Scandal Hr 

Peter made so good a husband, he ? s 
very much to be pitied. 

Sir Pet. Plague on your pity, ma'am ! 
I desire none of it. 

Sir Ben. However, Sir Peter, you 
must not mind the laughing and 
jests you will meet with on the occa- 
sion. 

Sir Pet. Sir, sir ! I desire to be 
master in my own house. 

Crab. 'Tis no uncommon case, that ? s 
one comfort. 210 

Sir Pet. I insist on being left to 
myself: without ceremony, I insist on 
your leaving my house directly ! 

Mrs. Can. Well, well, we are going ; 
and depend on ? t, we '11 make the best 
report of it we can. [Exit. 

Sir Pet. Leave my house ! 

Crab. And tell how hardly you 've 
been treated. [Exit. 

Sir Pet. Leave my house ! 
223 



#* The School for Scandal 

Sir Ben. And how patiently you 
bear it. [Exit. 220 

Sir Pet. Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! 
that their own venom would choke 
them ! 

Sir Oliv. They are very provoking 
indeed, Sir Peter. 

Enter Rowley. 

Bow. I heard high words : what has 
ruffled you, sir ? 

Sir Pet. Psha ! what signifies ask- 
ing? Do I ever pass a day without 
my vexations ? 

Bow. Well, I 'm not inquisitive. 

Sir Oliv. Well, Sir Peter, I have 
seen both my nephews in the manner 
we proposed. 231 

Sir Pet. A precious couple they 
are! 

Bow. Yes, and Sir Oliver is con- 
224 



The School for Scandal Hr 

vinced that your judgment was right, 
Sir Peter. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, I find Joseph is in- 
deed the man, after all. 

Row. Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a 
man of sentiment. 

Sir Oliv. And acts up to the senti- 
ments he professes. 

Row. It certainly is edification to 
hear him talk. 240 

Sir Oliv. Oh, he's a model for the 
young men of the age ! — but how ? s 
this, Sir Peter? you don't join us in 
your friend Joseph's praise, as I ex- 
pected. 

Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, we live in a 
damned wicked world, and the fewer 
we praise the better. 

Row. What! do you say so, Sir 
Peter, who were never mistaken in 
your life? 

Sir Pet. Psha ! plague on you both ! 
225 



-SH The School for Scandal 



I see by your sneering you have heard 
the whole affair. I shall go mad among 
you ! 251 

How. Then, to fret you no longer, 
Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted 
with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming 
from Mr. Surface's so humbled, that 
she deigned to request me to be her 
advocate with you. 

Sir Pet. And does Sir Oliver know 
all this ? 

Sir Oliv. Every circumstance. 

Sir Pet. What, of the closet and the 
screen, hey ? 

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, and the little 
French milliner. Oh, I have been 
vastly diverted with the story! ha! 
ha! ha! 262 

Sir Pet. ? Twas very pleasant. 

Sir Oliv. I never laughed more in 
my life, I assure you : ah ! ah ! 
ah! 

226 






The School for Scandal H£ 

Sir Pet. Oh, vastly diverting ! ha ! 
ha! ha! 

Bow. To be sure, Joseph with his 
sentiments! ha! ha! ha! 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, his sentiments ! 
ha ! ha ! ha ! Hypocritical villain ! 270 

Sir Oliv. Ay, and that rogue Charles 
to pull Sir Peter out of the closet : ha ! 
ha! ha! 

Sir Pet. Ha ! ha ! 'twas devilish en- 
tertaining, to be sure ! 

Sir Oliv. Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir 
Peter, I should like to have seen your 
face when the screen was thrown down : 
ha! ha! 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, my face when the 
screen was thrown down : ha ! ha ! 'ha ! 
Oh, I must never show my head again ! 

Sir Oliv. But come, come, it is n't 

fair to laugh at you neither, my old 

friend; though, upon my soul, I can't 

help it. 283 

227 



#3 The School for Scandal 



Sir Pet Oh, pray don't restrain your 
mirth on my account : it does not hurt 
me at all ! I laugh at the whole affair 
myself. Yes, yes, I think being a 
standing jest for all one's acquaintance 
a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and 
then of a morning to read the para- 
graphs about Mr. S , Lady T 



and Sir P will be so entertaining ! 

Row. Without affectation, Sir Peter, 
you may despise the ridicule of fools. 
But I see Lady Teazle going toward 
the next room; I am sure you must 
desire a reconciliation as earnestly as 
she does. 296 

Sir Oliv. Perhaps my being here 
prevents her coming to you. Well, I '11 
leave honest Eowley to mediate between 
you; but he must bring you all pres- 
ently to Mr. Surface's, where I am now 
returning, if not to reclaim a libertine, 
at least to expose hypocrisy. 302 

228 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Sir Pet. AL, I ? 11 be present at your 
discovering yourself there with all my 
heart ; though 'tis a vile unlucky place 
for discoveries. 

Row. We '11 follow. 

[Exit Sir Oliver Surface. 

Sir Pet. She is not coming here, 
you see, Rowley. 

Row. No, but she has left the door 
of that room open, you perceive. See, 
she is in tears. 309 

Sir Pet. Certainly a little mortifica- 
tion appears very becoming in a wife. 
Don't you think it will do her good to 
let her pine a little ? 

Row. Oh, this is ungenerous in 
you! 

Sir Pet. Well, I know not what to 
think. You remember the letter I 
found of hers evidently intended for 
Charles? 

Row. A mere forgery, Sir Peter! 
229 



-SH The School for Scandal 

laid in your way on purpose. This is 
one of the points which I intend Snake 
shall give you conviction of. 319 

Sir Pet. I wish I were once satisfied 
of that. She looks this way. What a 
remarkably elegant turn of the head 
she has ! Rowley, I ; 11 go to her. 

Row. Certainly. 

Sir Pet. Though, when it is known 
that we are reconciled, people will 
laugh at me ten times more. 

Row. Let them laugh, and retort 
their malice only by showing them you 
are happy in spite of it. 329 

Sir Pet. V faith, so I will ! and, if 
I ? m not mistaken, we may yet be the 
happiest couple in the country. 

Row. Nay, Sir Peter, he who once 
lays aside suspicion 

Sir Pet. Hold, Master Eowley ! if 
you have any regard for me, never let 
me hear you utter anything like a sen- 
230 



The School for Scandal Hr 

timent : I have had enough of them to 
serve me the rest of my life. [Exeunt. 



Scene III. 

The Library in Joseph Surface's 
House. 

Enter Joseph Surface and Lady 
Sneerwell. 

Lady Sneer. Impossible ! Will not 
Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to 
Charles, and of course no longer oppose 
his union with Maria? The thought 
is distraction to me. 

Jos. Surf. Can passion furnish a 
remedy ? 

Lady Sneer. No, nor cunning either. 
Oh, I was a fool, an idiot, to league 
with such a blunderer ! 

Jos. Surf. Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I 
2 3 l 



#4 The School for Scandal 

am the greatest sufferer; yet you see 
I bear the accident with calmness. 10 

Lady Sneer. Because the disappoint- 
ment does n't reach your heart; your 
interest only attached you to Maria. 
Had you felt for her what I have for 
that ungrateful libertine, neither your 
temper nor hypocrisy could prevent 
your showing the sharpness of your 
vexation. 

Jos. Surf. But why should your 
reproaches fall on me for this disap- 
pointment ? 18 

Lady Sneer. Are you not the cause 
of it? Had you not a sufficient field 
for your roguery in imposing upon Sir 
Peter, and supplanting your brother, 
but you must endeavour to seduce his 
wife? I hate such an avarice of 
crimes; 'tis an unfair monopoly, and 
never prospers. 

Jos. Surf. Well, I admit I have been 
232 



The School for Scandal H£ 

to blame. I confess I deviated from 
the direct road of wrong, but I don't 
think we 're so totally defeated neither. 

Lady Sneer. No! 29 

Jos. Surf. You tell me you have 
made a trial of Snake since we met, 
and that you still believe him faithful 
to us? 

Lady Sneer. I do believe so. 

Jos. Surf. And that he has under- 
taken, should it be necessary, to swear 
and prove, that Charles is at this time 
contracted by vows and honour to your 
ladyship, which some of his former 
letters to you will serve to support? 

Lady Sneer. This, indeed, might 
have assisted. 39 

Jos. Surf. Come, come ; it is not too 
late yet. — [Knocking at the door] But 
hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir 
Oliver : retire to that room ; we '11 con- 
sult farther when he is gone. 
233 



#* The School for Scandal 

Lady Sneer. Well, but if he should 
find you out too ? 

Jos. Surf. Oh, I have no fear of 
that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue 
for his own credit's sake — and you 
may depend on it I shall soon discover 
Sir Oliver's weak side ! 50 

Lady Sneer. I have no diffidence of 
your abilities : only be constant to one 
roguery at a time. 

Jos. Surf. I will, I will! — [Exit 
Lady Sneerwell] So! 'tis confounded 
hard, after such bad fortune, to be 
baited by one's confederate in evil. 
Well, at all events, my character is so 
much better than Charles's, that I cer- 
tainly — hey ! — what — this is not Sir 
Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague 
on 't that he should return to tease me 
just now! I shall have Sir Oliver 
come and find him here — and 61 

234 



The School for Scandal Hr 



Enter Sir Oliver Surface. 

Gad's life, Mr. Stanley, why have you 
come back to plague me at this time ? 
You must not stay now, upon my 
word. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, I hear your uncle 
Oliver is expected here, and though 
he has been so penurious to you, I ; 11 
try what he '11 do for me. 

Jos. Surf. Sir, 'tis impossible for 

you to stay now, so I must beg 

Come any other time, and I promise 
you, you shall be assisted. 70 

Sir Oliv. No : Sir Oliver and I must 
be acquainted. 

Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir ! then I insist 
on your quitting the room directly. 

Sir Oliv. Nay, sir 

Jos. Surf. Sir, I insist on 't ! — 
Here, William ! show this gentle- 
man out. Since you compel me, sir, 
235 






The School for Scandal 



not one moment — this is such inso- 
lence. [Going to push him out 

Enter Charles Surface. 

Chas. Surf. Heyday! what 's the 
matter now? What the devil, have 
you got hold of my little broker here ? 
Zounds, brother, don't hurt little Pre- 
mium. What ? s the matter, my little 
fellow ? 82 

Jos. Surf. So! he has been with 
you too, has he? 

Chas. Surf. To be sure, he has. 

Why, he ? s as honest a little But 

sure, Joseph, you have not been bor- 
rowing money too, have you? 

Jos. Surf. Borrowing! no! But, 
brother, you know we expect Sir Oli- 
ver here every 

Chas. Surf. Gad, that 's true. 
Noll must n't find the little broker 
here, to be sure. 90 

236 



The School for Scandal £# 

Jos. Surf. Yet Mr. Stanley in- 
sists 

Chas. Surf. Stanley! why, his 
name ? s Premium. 

Jos. Surf. No, sir, Stanley. 

Chas. Surf. No, no, Premium. 

Jos. Surf Well, no matter which 
_but 

Chas. Surf Ay, ay, Stanley or Pre- 
mium, 'tis the same thing, as you say ; 
for I suppose he goes by half a hun- 
dred names, besides A. B. at the coffee- 
house. [Knocking. 

Jos. Surf. 'Sdeath ! here 's Sir Oli- 
ver at the door. — Now I beg, Mr. Stan- 
ley 101 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, and I beg, Mr. 
Premium 

Sir Oliv. Gentlemen 

Jos. Surf. Sir, by Heaven you shall go ! 

Chas. Surf. Ay, out with him, cer- 
tainly ! 

237 



#4 The School for Scandal 



Sir Oliv. This violence ■ 



Jos. Surf. Sir, 'tis your own fault. 
Chas. Surf. Out with him, to be 
sure. [Both forcing Sir Oliver out. 

Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle, 
Maria, and Rowley. 

Sir Pet. My old friend, Sir Oliver 
— hey! What in the name of won- 
der — here are dutiful nephews — as- 
sault their uncle at a first visit! ill 

Lady Teaz. Indeed, Sir Oliver, 
'twas well we came in to rescue 
you. 

Row. Truly it was ; for I perceive, 
Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley 
was no protection to you. 

Sir Oliv. Nor of Premium either: 
the necessities of the former could not 
extort a shilling from that benevolent 
gentleman ; and with the other I stood 
a chance of faring worse than my 
238 



The School for Scandal H£ 

ancestors, and being knocked down 
without being bid for. 120 

Jos. Surf. Charles! 

Chas. Surf. Joseph! 

Jos. Surf ? Tis now complete ! 

Chas. Surf Very. 

Sir Oliv. Sir Peter, my friend, and 
Bowley too — look on that elder nephew 
of mine. You know what he has already 
received from my bounty ; and you also 
know how gladly I would have regarded 
half my fortune as held in trust for him : 
judge then my disappointment in dis- 
covering him to be destitute of truth, 
charity, and gratitude ! 132 

Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, I should be 
more surprised at this declaration, if 
I had not myself found him to be mean, 
treacherous, and hypocritical. 

Lady Teaz. And if the gentleman 
pleads not guilty to these, praj^let him 
call me to his character. 
239 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Sir Pet. Then, I believe, we need 
add no more : if he knows himself, he 
will consider it as the most perfect 
punishment, that he is known to the 
world. 141 

Chas. Surf. If they talk this way 
to Honesty, what will they say to me, 
by and by ? [Aside. 

[Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire. 

Sir Oliv. As for that prodigal, his 
brother, there 

Chas. Surf. Ay, now comes my 
turn : the damned family pictures will 
ruin me ! [Aside. 

Jos. Surf. Sir Oliver — uncle, will 
you honour me with a hearing ? 

Chas. Surf. Now, if Joseph would 
make one of his long speeches, I might 
recollect myself a little. [Aside. 151 

Sir Oliv. [To Joseph Surface'] I sup- 
pose you would undertake to justify 
yourself ? 

240 



The School for Scandal H£ 



Jos. Surf. I trust I could. 

Sir Oliv. [To Charles Surface'] Well, 
sir! — and you could justify yourself 
too, I suppose? 

Chas. Surf. Not that I know of, Sir 
Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. What! — Little Premium 
has been let too much into the secret, 
I suppose ? 159 

Chas. Surf. True, sir; but they 
were family secrets, and should not 
be mentioned again, you know. 

Bow. Come, Sir Oliver, I know you 
cannot speak of Charles's follies with 
anger. 

Sir Oliv. Odd's heart, no more I 
can; nor with gravity either. Sir 
Peter, do you know the rogue bar- 
gained with me for all his ancestors ; 
sold me judges and generals by the 
foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as 
broken china. 170 

241 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Chas. Surf. To be sure, Sir Oliver, 
I did make a little free with the family 
canvas, that ? s the truth on 't. My 
ancestors may rise in judgment against 
me, there 's no denying it; but believe 
me sincere when I tell you — and upon 
my soul I would not say so if I was not 
— that if I do not appear mortified at 
the exposure of my follies, it is because 
I feel at this moment the warmest 
satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal 
benefactor. 180 

Sir Oliv. Charles, I believe you. 
Give me your hand again: the ill- 
looking little fellow over the settee 
has made your peace. 

Chas. Surf. Then, sir, my gratitude 
to the original is still increased. 

Lady Teaz. [Advancing] Yet, I be- 
lieve, Sir Oliver, here is one whom 
Charles is still more anxious to be 
reconciled to. [Pointing to Maria. 

242 



The School for Scandal He 

Sir Oliv. Oh, I have heard of his 
attachment there ; and, with the young 
lady's pardon, if I construe right — that 
blush 191 

Sir Pet Well, child, speak your 
sentiments ! 

Mar. Sir, I have little to say, but 
that I shall rejoice to hear that he is 
happy ; for me, whatever claim I had to 
his attention, I willingly resign to one 
who has a better title. 

Chas. Surf. How, Maria ! 

Sir Pet. Heyday ! what 's the mys- 
tery now? While he appeared an in- 
corrigible rake, you would give your 
hand to no one else ; and now that he 
is likely to reform I '11 warrant you 
won't have him! 202 

Mar. His own heart and Lady 
Sneerwell know the cause. 

Chas. Surf. Lady Sneerwell ! 

Jos. Surf. Brother, it is with great 
243 



#1 The School for Scandal 

concern I am obliged to speak on this 
point, but my regard to justice compels 
me, and Lady SneerwelPs injuries can 
no longer be concealed. 

[Opens the door, 



Enter Lady Sneerwell. 

Sir Pet. So! another French milli- 
ner ! Egad, he has one in every room 
in the house, I suppose ! 211 

Lady Sneer. Ungrateful Charles! 
Well may you be surprised, and feel 
for the indelicate situation your per- 
fidy has forced me into. 

Chas. Surf. Pray, uncle, is this 
another plot of yours? For, as I 
have life, I don't understand it. 

Jos. Surf. I believe, sir, there is but 
the evidence of one person more neces- 
sary to make it extremely clear. 220 

Sir Pet. And that person, I imagine, 
is Mr. Snake. — Eowley, you were per- 
244 






The School for Scandal H£ 

fectly right to bring him with us, and 
pray let him apppear. 

Bow. Walk in, Mr. Snake. 

Enter Snake. 

I thought his testimony might be 
wanted : however, it happens unluck- 
ily, that he comes to confront Lady 
Sneerwell, not to support her. 

Lady Sneer. A villain! Treacher- 
ous to me at last ! Speak, fellow, have 
you too conspired against me ! 230 

Snake. I beg your ladyship ten 
thousand pardons: you paid me ex- 
tremely liberally for the lie in ques- 
tion; but I unfortunately have been 
offered double to speak the truth. 

Sir Pet. Plot and counter-plot, egad ! 
I wish your ladyship joy of your nego- 
tiation. 238 

Lady Sneer. The torments of shame 
and disappointment on you all ! [Going. 
245 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Lady Teaz. Hold, Lady Sneerwell 
— before you go, let me thank you for 
the trouble you and that gentleman 
have taken, in writing letters from 
me to Charles, and answering them 
yourself; and let me also request you 
to make my respects to the scandalous 
college, of which you are president, 
and inform them that Lady Teazle, 
licentiate, begs leave to return the 
diploma they granted her, as she leaves 
off practice, and kills characters no 
longer. 

Lady Sneer. You too, madam! — 
provoking — insolent ! May your hus- 
band live these fifty years ! [Exit. 

Sir Pet. Oons ! what a fury ! 252 

Lady Teaz. A malicious creature, 
indeed ! 

Sir Pet. What! not for her last 
wish? 

Lady Teaz. Oh, no ! 
246 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Sir Oliv. Well, sir, and what have 
you to say now ? 

Jos. Surf. Sir, I am so confounded, 
to find that Lady Sneerwell could be 
guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this 
manner, to impose on us all, that I 
know not what to say: however, lest 
her revengeful spirit should prompt her 
to injure my brother, I had certainly 
better follow her directly. For the 
man who attempts to [Exit. 264 

Sir Pet. Moral to the last ! 

Sir Oliv. Ay, and marry her, Joseph, 
if you can. Oil and vinegar! — egad, 
you '11 do very well together. 

Row. I believe we have no more 
occasion for Mr. Snake at pres- 
ent ? 270 

Snake. Before I go, I beg pardon 
once for all for whatever uneasiness I 
have been the humble instrument of 
causing to the parties present. 
?47 



#t The School for Scandal 

Sir Pet. Well, well, you have made 
atonement by a good deed at last. 

Snake. But I must request of the 
company, that it shall never be known. 

Sir Pet. Hey ! what the plague ! are 
you ashamed of having done a right 
thing once in your life ? 280 

Snake. Ah, sir, consider — I live by 
the badness of my character ; and, if it 
were once known that I had been be- 
trayed into an honest action, I should 
lose every friend I have in the world. 

Sir Oliv. Well, well — we '11 not tra- 
duce you by saying anything in your 
praise, never fear. [Exit Snake. 

Sir Pet. There 's a precious rogue ! 

Lady Teaz. See, Sir Oliver, there 
needs no persuasion now to reconcile 
your nephew and Maria. 290 

Sir Oliv. Ay, ay, that ? s as it should 
be, and, egad, we ? 11 have the wedding 
to-morrow morning. 
248 



The School for Scandal H£ 

Chas. Surf. Thank you, dear uncle. 

Sir Pet What, you rogue! don't 
you ask the girl's consent first? 

Chas. Surf. Oh, I have done that a 
long time — a minute ago — and she 
has looked yes. 

Mar. For shame, Charles ! — I pro- 
test, Sir Peter, there has not been a 
word 299 

Sir Oliv. Well, then, the fewer the 
better; may your love for each other 
never know abatement. 

Sir Pet. And may you live as hap- 
pily together as Lady Teazle and I 
intend to do! 

Chas. Surf. Eowley, my old friend, 
I am sure you congratulate me ; and I 
suspect that I owe you much. 

Sir Oliv. You do, indeed, Charles. 

Sir Pet Ay, honest Eowley always 
said you would reform. 310 

Q has. Surf Why, as to reforming, 
249 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Sir Peter, I ? 11 make no promises, and 
that I take to be a proof that I intend 
to set about it. But here shall be my 
monitor — my gentle guide. — Ah ! can 
I leave the virtuous path those eyes 
illumine ? 

Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive 

thy beauty's sway, 
Thou still must rule, because I will 

obey : 
An humble fugitive from Folly view, 
No sanctuary near but Love and you : 

[To the Audience. 
You can, indeed, each anxious fear 

remove, 321 

For even Scandal dies, if you approve. 

[Exeunt omnes. 



250 



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EPILOGUE. 

BY MR. COLMAN. 
SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE. 

I, who was late so volatile and gay, 
Like a trade- wind must now blow all 

one way, 
Bend all my cares, my studies, and my 

vows, 
To one dull rusty weathercock — my 

spouse ! 
So wills our virtuous bard — the motley 

Bayes 
Of crying epilogues and laughing plays ! 
Old bachelors, who marry smart young 

wives, 
Learn from our play to regulate your 

lives : 
Each bring his dear to town, all faults 

upon her — 

251 



#£ The School for Scandal 

London will prove the very source of 
honour. 10 

Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it 
serves, 

When principles relax, to brace the 
nerves : 

Such is my case; and yet I must de- 
plore 

That the gay dream of dissipation 's 
o'er. 

And say, ye fair ! was ever lively wife, 

Born with a genius for the highest life, 

Like me untimely blasted in her bloom, 

Like me condemned to such a dismal 
doom? 

Save money — when I just knew how 
to waste it ! 

Leave London — just as I began to 
taste it ! 20 

Must I then watch the early crowing 
cock, 

The melancholy ticking of a clock ; 
252 



The School for Scandal ?# 

In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded, 
With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling 

brats surrounded. 
With humble curate can I now retire, 
(While good Sir Peter boozes with the 

squire,) 
And at backgammon mortify my soul, 
That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole ? 
Seven ? s the main! Dear sound that 

must expire, 
Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas 

fire 30 

The transient hour of fashion too soon 

spent, 
Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell 

content ! 
Farewell the plumed head, the cush- 
ioned tete, 
That takes the cushion from its proper 

seat! 
That spirit-stirring drum ! — card drums 

I mean, 

2 53 



#4 The School for Scandal 

Spadille — odd trick — pam — basto — 
king and queen ! 

And you, ye knockers, that, with, brazen 
throat, 

The welcome visitors' approach de- 
note; 

Farewell all quality of high renown, 

Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glori- 
ous town ! 40 

Farewell! your revels I partake no 
more, 

And Lady Teazle's occupation 's o'er ! 

All this I told our bard ; he smiled, and 
said 'twas clear, 

I ought to play deep tragedy next 
year. 

Meanwhile he drew wise morals from 
his play, 

And in these solemn periods stalked 
away : — 

"Blessed were the fair like you; her 
faults who stopped 
254 



The School for Scandal ¥& 

And closed her follies when the curtain 

dropped ! 
No more in vice or error to engage, 
Or play the fool at large on life's great 

stage." 50 



THE END. 



255 



Notes 



A Portrait, addressed to Mrs, Crewe, 
Frances Anne, daughter of Fulke Greville, 
married, in 1776, John Crewe, who became 
Baron Crewe in 1806. She was thrice 
painted by Sir Joshua Reynolds, and she 
died in 1818. Frances Burney says, " The 
elegance of Mrs. Sheridan's beauty is un- 
equalled by any I ever saw, except Mrs. 
Crewe/ ' Verses addressed by Fox to Mrs. 
Crewe were printed at Horace Walpole's 
Strawberry Hill Press. 

39. Granby. Lady Mary Isabella Somer- 
set, youngest daughter of the fourth Duke 
of Beaufort, was married, in 1775, to 
Charles Manners, Marquis of Granby, who 
became fourth Duke of Rutland in 1779. 
257 



#4 Notes 

The duchess, who lived until 1831, was 
painted four times by Eeynolds. 

40. Devon. The famous Georgina, 
Duchess of Devonshire, was the eldest 
daughter of John, first Earl Spencer. She 
was married in 1774, and died in 1806. 

96. Greville. Mrs. Greville (Walpole's 
" Pretty Fanny Macartney"), to whom 
Sheridan dedicated The Critic, was daughter 
of James Macartney, and mother of Lady 
Crewe. She wrote verse, including a poet- 
ical " Prayer for Indifference," and died in 
1789. 

99. Millar. Anna, Lady Miller, or Mil- 
lar (1741-1781), married, in 1765, John 
Miller, who was created an Irish baronet 
in 1778. Lady Miller wrote verses, and 
kept a literary salon at her house near 
Bath. Horace Walpole, Johnson, and Miss 
Burney all speak slightingly of the abilities 
of " Mrs. Calliope Miller.' ' 

I. i. 1. The name " Sneerwell " is used 
in Fielding's Pasquin. In an early draft 
of this scene, Lady Sneerwell is represented 
258 



Notes H£ 

as talking at the opening to a Miss Ver- 
juice, a character afterwards suppressed. 
Another draft began as follows: 

" Lady Sneerwell. The paragraphs, you 
say, were all inserted ? 

" Spatter. They were, madam. 

" Lady S. Did you circulate the report 
of Lady Brittle' s intrigue with Captain 
Boastall? 

"Spat. Madam, by this time Lady 
Brittle is the talk of half the town ; and in 
a week will be treated as a demirep. 

"Lady S. What have you done as to 
this innuendo of Miss Mcely's fondness for 
her own footman ? 

"Spat. 'Tis in a fair train, ma'am. I 
told it to my hairdresser; he courts a 
milliner's girl in Pall Mall, whose mistress 
has a first cousin who is waiting-woman to 
Lady Clackit. I think in about fourteen 
hours it must reach Lady Clackit, and then, 
you know, the business is done. 

" Lady S. But is that sufficient, do you 
think? 

259 



3H Notes 

"Spat. Oh, Lud, ma'am! I'll under- 
take to ruin the character of the primmest 
prude in London with half as much. Ha, 
ha ! Did your ladyship never hear how 
poor Miss Shepherd lost her lover and 
her character last summer at Scarborough? 
This was the whole of it. One evening at 

Lady -'s, the conversation happened to 

turn on the difficulty of feeding Nova Scotia 
sheep in England," etc. 

I. i. 23. The Town and Country Maga- 
zine. This magazine earned for itself noto- 
riety by publishing tete-a-tete portraits of 
well-known persons, men and women, easy 
of identification, with letterpress suggesting 
scandalous relations between them. 

I. i. 56. a kind of guardian. In a MS. 
revised by Sheridan, " a kind of " is deleted, 
and for " the youngest " we find " the 
other," and " a widow" for "the widow of 
a city knight." 

I. i. 70. Mr. Surface. A Mrs. Surface, 
a scan&al-monger who kept a Bath lodg- 
ing-house, appears in Mrs. Frances Sheri- 
260 



Notes H£ 

dan's unpublished comedy, A Journey to 
Bath. 

I. i. 439. The Old Jewry was the resort 
of Jews, and contained the Lord Mayor's 
Court. 

I. i. 442. The Irish tontine. After the 
defeat of the Absentee Bill in the Irish 
House of Commons in 1773, it was neces- 
sary to find new resources, owing to the 
great increase of the National Debt. In 
order to meet immediate wants, £265,000 
were raised by the method of Tontine 
Annuities and Stamp Duties (Lecky's " His- 
tory of England in the Eighteenth Century," 
iv. 414). 

II. i. 119. rid on a hurdle. The cart on 
which criminals were taken to execution. 

" Settle your fine joints 'gainst Thursday 

next, 
Or I will drag thee on a hurdle thither." 
— Borneo and Juliet, Act IH. Sc. v. 

II. ii. 15. macaronies. The name for 
261 



## Notes 

dandies which was popular at the end of 
the last century. 

II. ii. 99. a character dead at every word. 
In the Rape of the Lock Pope wrote, " At 
every word a reputation dies." 

II. ii. 120. the Ring. A circle for riding 
in Hyde Park, partly destroyed when the 
Serpentine was formed. It was a fashion- 
able promenade in the eighteenth century. 

II. ii. 219. / would have law merchant for 
them too. An unusual expression for " mer- 
cantile law." 

II. ii. 301. ciscisbeo. The name applied 
in Italy to the gallant of a married woman. 

III. i. 33. "a heart to pity," etc. Shake- 
speare's words are, "He hath a tear for 
pity," etc. (2 Henry IV., IV. iv.). 

III. i. 151. the annuity bill. In 1777 a 
committee of the House of Commons was 
appointed to inquire into the laws concern- 
ing usury and annuities ; and on its report- 
in May, the month in which this play was 
first acted, a bill was brought in and passed, 
providing that all contracts with minors 
262 



Notes 



?^r 



for annuities shall be void, and that those 
procuring them, and solicitors charging 
more than ten shillings per cent., shall be 
subject to fine and imprisonment (Brander 
Matthews). 

III. ii. 33. bags and bouquets. In an 
early draft Sheridan used these words with 
reference to Lady Teazle's extravagance. 
The i < bag " was a small silken pouch which 
contained the back hair of a wig. 

III. iii. 58. This song was evidently 
suggested by a song in Suckling's The 
Goblins (Act II. Sc. i.) : — 

< < A health to the nut-brown lass, 
With the hazel eyes : let it pass," etc. 

We know that Sheridan copied out various 
scenes from The Goblins. 

III. iii. 102. Re-enter Trip, with Sir Oliver 
Surface. In Mrs. Frances Sheridan's 
" Sidney Biddulph," an East Indian uncle 
returns to test a nephew and a niece. Par- 
allels have also been drawn, without much 
263 



3H Notes 

reason, with scenes in Foote's Minor and 
Author. 

IV. iii. 16 i Draw that screen before the 
window. Critics have pointed out that the 
hiding of Lady Teazle behind the screen 
placed her in full view of the maiden lady 
who lived opposite ; but, of course, Joseph 
Surface had no idea, in placing the screen, 
that Lady Teazle would run behind it. 

IV. iii. 583. This line may be an inter- 
polation by some actor, who thought it 
would form a more effective " curtain." It 
is not printed by Moore or Leigh Hunt in 
their editions, but it is to be found in some 
of the earliest editions of the play. 

V. i. 92. pagodas. Silver or gold coins, 
formerly current in India, of various values. 

V.i. 95. avadavats. The strawberry finch, 
a small Indian song bird (Notes and Queries, 
sixth series, ii. 198). 

V. ii. 95. A thrust in segoon. A corrup- 
tion of "segunde," the Spanish form of the 
French fencing term, " seconde.' ' A thrust 
in segoon is a thrust delivered low, under 
264 



Notes j# 

the adversary's blade, with the hand in the 
tierce position, that is, with the knuckles 
upwards and the wrist turned downwards 
(Brander Matthews). 

V. ii. 115. The Montem was a triennial 
ceremony of the Eton boys. It consisted 
of a procession on Whit Tuesday to a 
mound (ad montem) near the Bath Road, 
where the boys exacted money from the 
passers-by, to meet the expenses at the 
University of the captain or senior scholar. 
Salthill is in Buckinghamshire, near Slough. 

Epilogue. George Colman, proprietor of 
the Haymarket Theatre, wrote a number 
of plays. 

5> Bayes, in the Duke of Buckingham's 
Rehearsal, was a satire on Dryden. 

32. Farewell the tranquil mind. A parody 
upon Othello's speech (Othello, III. iii.) : 

" Farewell the tranquil mind ! farewell con- 
tent ! 

Farewell the plumed troop, and the big 
wars, 

265 



^ Notes 

That make ambition virtue ! O, farewell ! 

Farewell the neighing steed, and the shrill 
trump, 

The spirit-stirring drum, the ear-piercing 
fife, 

The royal banner, and all quality, 

Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious 
war! 

And, O you mortal engines, whose rude 
throats 

The immortal Jove's dread clamours coun- 
terfeit, 

Farewell ! Othello's occupation's gone ! " 

36. Spadille, etc. " Spadille," in the 
game of ombre, was the ace of spades, 
" pam," the knave of clubs, and " basto," 
the ace of clubs. 



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